I don't want to admit it... But I was wrong. I was wrong to think I could remain emotionless... I was wrong to think I could keep my feelings completely buried and secure. I was wrong to believe that I would be able to feel absolutely nothing.
Tag: Me
Giver
I give too much away. Let it be my time, my money, my affection.... myself... I'm a giver. I give the people I love everything I can. However, for me it's more than just being humble or extremely caring... I literally have no reservations or restrictions... with anything. Which isn't great. Even after everything in my past relationships, part of me still somehow thinks that if I give someone everything they could ever want they will never abandon me. But shit... no amount of presents, money, or baked goods will keep someone close to me. It's not like I simply rely on gifts to keep people around though. The gifts I give are just a way I try to show my love or to care for someone. Besides relentless gift giving, the other problem is that if you are someone I love I will drop everything in my own life to help you or be with you. But then I end up losing myself while trying to prevent being hurt or abandoned. Which I know is not okay. Yet I still continue to lose people regardless of anything I do and I eventually get burnt. Then I'm left regretting everything I gave up trying to make another person happier than I ever try to make myself. Most of the time it's just life. People move on, they grow apart, lifestyles change... but sometimes I know I'm just too much for people. I have a big personality and I know I can be overwhelming at times... But for those few who have stayed with me for all these years... they have it fucking made. I am a great friend and go above and beyond for those in my life. No questions asked. But yes... I do still need to continue working on healthy relationships and boundaries. I need to be able to feel secure in my relationships without feeling like I'm required to give everything to motivate them to stay. I shouldn't subconsciously be feeling like I need to almost pay to keep people around. That's called fear degrading my worth. I'm better than that... and quite frankly I deserve more than that. I'll work on it. *Working on it. -Hal
The Last
I like to think that you think about me too, but deep down I know I am the last person on your mind when you go to sleep at night. You rest soundly, while I struggle to close my eyes.
Wanted
Even if everything you said
in those moments were lies,
please never tell me that
your words were not real.
Let me move on believing that
I was all you had ever wanted.
Someday
Someday I won't be here and I'll exist only in your memory. You'll be here, surviving, picking up the pieces of everything I left behind. You'll remain stoic, with your head held high, as you remind yourself to stay strong. You'll be sad as grief dehisces your delicate wounds each time they begin to close. But eventually you'll move on, and that'll be okay... Knowing we'll meet again in the end someday.
Exhausted
If I'm being honest with myself, I'm tired. I'm tired of splitting up fights between the thoughts in my mind, and the redundancy of my habits that are anything but fine. I'm tired of living for the days I think are worth waiting, just to see them come and go as fast as I'm fading. I'm tired of the facade that I'm feeling okay, when inside my strength has begun to decay. I'm tired of the cycling through the lies in my head, and the words I have spoken that I wish were never said. But now I've lied once more and said that I'm just tired... When exhausted was the word I should've used when this started.
Regret
Regret hangs like a cloud above me. It overtakes me with nausea as it opens up to expel sour and sickening drops of doom into my pores. It racks my body with waves of heat, forceful and deafening, as it clings and holds and follows... Only parting from me the moment I'm brave enough to face it.
Insomnia
You may ask me why I'm tired all the time and I'll tell you this... It's the restless thoughts and pointless repetitions. It's the endless worries and racing questions. It's the memories that haven't happened as I try to perceive the future. And it's the idea... And the notion... Of living without you.
When
When reflections off the pavement no longer make you smile, and you haven't heard your own laughter echo for awhile... When the thought of any affection makes you want to scream, yet the thought of physical pain makes your eyes begin to gleam... When your fist feels more natural being curled up into a ball, but it somehow feels even better when it makes contact with a wall... When you're no longer sure if happiness is obtainable, and your fake-ass smile is sad and unsustainable... When there's no longer beauty found in every day things, then what's the point of seeing what tomorrow even brings?
Today
I'm unworthy of your warmth. I deserve the solitude and loneliness that lives inside me, not the comfort of being between your arms. I'm not meant for contentment, I'm meant for failure. I am perpetually reckless, selfish, and stubborn... making me undeserving of any form of love from you.
AO Poetry 
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