When reflections off the pavement no longer make you smile, and you haven't heard your own laughter echo for awhile... When the thought of any affection makes you want to scream, yet the thought of physical pain makes your eyes begin to gleam... When your fist feels more natural being curled up into a ball, but it somehow feels even better when it makes contact with a wall... When you're no longer sure if happiness is obtainable, and your fake-ass smile is sad and unsustainable... When there's no longer beauty found in every day things, then what's the point of seeing what tomorrow even brings?
Tag: Me
Today
I'm unworthy of your warmth. I deserve the solitude and loneliness that lives inside me, not the comfort of being between your arms. I'm not meant for contentment, I'm meant for failure. I am perpetually reckless, selfish, and stubborn... making me undeserving of any form of love from you.
Lift Your Foot
Red traffic lights tempt me.
They arouse my intrusive thoughts,
silently urging me to lift my foot.
“Roll forward, let it go, see what happens.”
Yes… oncoming traffic might stop, people might brake, waiting patiently for me to escape their path… But there’s that chance they don’t.
And then I’d experience the shattering windshield, the violent scraping of metal, and the deafening collision that the sick parts of my mind crave…
Yet fear stops me.
But it’s not a fear of my own injury or death. It’s the inevitable pain and problems it would bring to others. It’s honestly the aftermath for the innocent that scares me. The bystanders, the people involved, my family, my friends… everyone else besides me.
Which yes… this thought process is fucked. I’m already aware of this. But this is how my head works… responsibly irresponsible.
I would like to clarify that I’m NOT suicidal. I DO NOT want to die. However, I do occasionally hypothesize ways my mortality could end if I let it.
I’ll wrap this up by stating that my foot is staying securely on the brakes at red lights. Intrusive thoughts are just thoughts… that’s all they are and ever will be.
-Hal
“Happiness”
I don’t know how to exist as “happy”.
I’m realizing that I’m not really having any bad days anymore. Sure I still have bad moments, but the full days of overwhelming sadness and anger have seemingly dissipated. I know this is a good thing because no one should be internally suffering. However, I almost feel like I don’t know how to function without having to fight myself.
Don’t get me wrong though… I like the feeling of mental stability, but I still find myself subconsciously searching for anything to be upset about and I’m not sure why. It’s like my fight-or-flight mode is now panicking with newfound boredom and trying to find anything to stir itself up. Which is fucked I know.
It’s kind of funny though…
I’ve been striving years for this “happiness”. All the meds, therapies, blah blah blah… and now I get here and I’m not sure how to handle it. Now it’s the irony of “how do I manage to survive without exhausting amounts of depression and anxiety?” My head is something else…
Well… here’s to “happiness”. 😏🖤 Cheers.
-Hal
Her 2
Snake
My anxiety is a snake slowly constricting the conflicted parts of my brain, increasing the tension on my subconscious worries and pains. It invites in my insecurities to intrusively choke me with doubts, but instead of expelling air it's belligerencies escaping from my mouth.
Thirty
I didn't think it would happen so soon, I swear I was just still using a Zune. I look back and see all the trauma and flaws, But also the triumphs that deserve an applause. There's memories I love and some that I hate, Yet all of them now I know were my fate. The years have gone fast but still seemingly slow, To end that rough chapter I needed to outgrow. So now here I am the day is arriving, To be thirty, still flirty, and continually thriving.
Forget-Me-Nots
Don't give me a bouquet of pale purple promises, give me something that lasts. Don't let me wilt away as time tries to fade and decay my existence in your mind. Give me a space, a spot, or a spare seat in your memory. Give me a small place where I may sit contently knowing that it's me you still remember.
Prettier
My pain has always been prettier on paper... The way my tears land and make the ink bleed through the faded blue lines... The way my frustration smears the page into blurs of illegible letters and marbled designs... The way my notebook's corners are curled during the hours of countless sighs... And the way my fingers twist my misery... So that it's prettier than what's inside.
Changes
I know changes are inevitable, but to me they’re a death sentence.
If I haven’t already stated this to you all… I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it involves issues revolving around abandonment. So when I know changes in my life will happen, I experience an overwhelming amount of dread and anxiety… especially when losing someone is a possibility.
To me the idea of losing someone feels like my entire world is being wiped away. I feel like I don’t know how to function knowing they’ll be gone and that there’s no point in living without them in my life. It’s basically like an appendage has been forcibly removed from me and I’ve been told to just move on… like a metaphorical amputation. 😉
Now I’ve done the homework, the therapy, all the bullshit… and no matter what I tell myself… I struggle. I fucking struggle over and over and over… And now I’m here. Struggling once more.
I know (I fucking know) I need to worry less about being abandoned and focus more on trusting people to stay in my life… but pushing past the intrusive thoughts is seemingly impossible.
I guess what I really need to figure out is how to trust people to stay with me… Even though I feel underserved of that privilege…
I’ll take whatever advice/wisdom you all offer.
-Hal
AO Poetry 
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