I like to think that you think about me too, but deep down I know I am the last person on your mind when you go to sleep at night. You rest soundly, while I struggle to close my eyes.
Tag: Me
Wanted
Even if everything you said
in those moments were lies,
please never tell me that
your words were not real.
Let me move on believing that
I was all you had ever wanted.
Someday
Someday I won't be here and I'll exist only in your memory. You'll be here, surviving, picking up the pieces of everything I left behind. You'll remain stoic, with your head held high, as you remind yourself to stay strong. You'll be sad as grief dehisces your delicate wounds each time they begin to close. But eventually you'll move on, and that'll be okay... Knowing we'll meet again in the end someday.
Exhausted
If I'm being honest with myself, I'm tired. I'm tired of splitting up fights between the thoughts in my mind, and the redundancy of my habits that are anything but fine. I'm tired of living for the days I think are worth waiting, just to see them come and go as fast as I'm fading. I'm tired of the facade that I'm feeling okay, when inside my strength has begun to decay. I'm tired of the cycling through the lies in my head, and the words I have spoken that I wish were never said. But now I've lied once more and said that I'm just tired... When exhausted was the word I should've used when this started.
Regret
Regret hangs like a cloud above me. It overtakes me with nausea as it opens up to expel sour and sickening drops of doom into my pores. It racks my body with waves of heat, forceful and deafening, as it clings and holds and follows... Only parting from me the moment I'm brave enough to face it.
Insomnia
You may ask me why I'm tired all the time and I'll tell you this... It's the restless thoughts and pointless repetitions. It's the endless worries and racing questions. It's the memories that haven't happened as I try to perceive the future. And it's the idea... And the notion... Of living without you.
When
When reflections off the pavement no longer make you smile, and you haven't heard your own laughter echo for awhile... When the thought of any affection makes you want to scream, yet the thought of physical pain makes your eyes begin to gleam... When your fist feels more natural being curled up into a ball, but it somehow feels even better when it makes contact with a wall... When you're no longer sure if happiness is obtainable, and your fake-ass smile is sad and unsustainable... When there's no longer beauty found in every day things, then what's the point of seeing what tomorrow even brings?
Today
I'm unworthy of your warmth. I deserve the solitude and loneliness that lives inside me, not the comfort of being between your arms. I'm not meant for contentment, I'm meant for failure. I am perpetually reckless, selfish, and stubborn... making me undeserving of any form of love from you.
Lift Your Foot
Red traffic lights tempt me.
They arouse my intrusive thoughts,
silently urging me to lift my foot.
“Roll forward, let it go, see what happens.”
Yes… oncoming traffic might stop, people might brake, waiting patiently for me to escape their path… But there’s that chance they don’t.
And then I’d experience the shattering windshield, the violent scraping of metal, and the deafening collision that the sick parts of my mind crave…
Yet fear stops me.
But it’s not a fear of my own injury or death. It’s the inevitable pain and problems it would bring to others. It’s honestly the aftermath for the innocent that scares me. The bystanders, the people involved, my family, my friends… everyone else besides me.
Which yes… this thought process is fucked. I’m already aware of this. But this is how my head works… responsibly irresponsible.
I would like to clarify that I’m NOT suicidal. I DO NOT want to die. However, I do occasionally hypothesize ways my mortality could end if I let it.
I’ll wrap this up by stating that my foot is staying securely on the brakes at red lights. Intrusive thoughts are just thoughts… that’s all they are and ever will be.
-Hal
“Happiness”
I don’t know how to exist as “happy”.
I’m realizing that I’m not really having any bad days anymore. Sure I still have bad moments, but the full days of overwhelming sadness and anger have seemingly dissipated. I know this is a good thing because no one should be internally suffering. However, I almost feel like I don’t know how to function without having to fight myself.
Don’t get me wrong though… I like the feeling of mental stability, but I still find myself subconsciously searching for anything to be upset about and I’m not sure why. It’s like my fight-or-flight mode is now panicking with newfound boredom and trying to find anything to stir itself up. Which is fucked I know.
It’s kind of funny though…
I’ve been striving years for this “happiness”. All the meds, therapies, blah blah blah… and now I get here and I’m not sure how to handle it. Now it’s the irony of “how do I manage to survive without exhausting amounts of depression and anxiety?” My head is something else…
Well… here’s to “happiness”. 😏🖤 Cheers.
-Hal
AO Poetry 
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