
Fogged


I remember a morning when you were still here... You were sitting with a cigarette while chasing a beer. You were watching the rain pour through the porch screen... Looking so lost, yet so damn serene.
Sometimes I feel like life
is just some sick joke on all of us.
The purpose of humanity is to do one thing right?
We’re supposed to survive.
Yet here we are…
spending our entire fucking lives trying to do everything and anything
we can to make it to another day…
still knowing that we will eventually die.
But besides just surviving for however long we have…
I feel like everyone has a desire to leave some sort of mark
on this planet.
Maybe it’s children, relationships, ideas, music, art or just something miniscule
the next generation might have a use for or remember… anything at all.
And I don’t know about you,
but I have this deep desire to leave something behind
for this world after I’m gone…
to make my own mark.
I just worry that I won’t have enough time
to figure out what that mark is before I’m gone…
That moment you walk into your patient's room and she's visibly dead... And the granddaughter who is holding her hand looks at you and mouths "help me" through tears... And you realize that she's been holding her dead grandma's cold hand for twenty minutes while the rest of her family chats in the corner... Because she just didn't know how to tell them.

I wish I could take a scalpel to this head... To release the tension... To peel back the layers... And just dig inside. Even it's just for a moment... So I can finally see what it's relentlessly trying to hide.
You say I'm not the same person I used to be, And for once I actually agree. Because that compliant girl you knew back then... Was never truly me.

With a lowered head and red rimmed eyes... She held back her tears while praying to survive.
Like a flick of a switch she's gone. Desolate and lost in her own head. Quietly questioning... Compulsively contemplating... And savagely sifting... Through every last fragment in her mind.
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