Reassurance…

As much as I hate to admit it… my exterior is a kind of a facade.

As a self-proclaimed badass, I have spent years vocalizing that I give no fucks and that if someone doesn’t like me they can leave. Physically I have the tattoos, the piercings, the edgy clothing, the angsty vibe… blah. However, on the inside I’m constantly begging for validation of my worth, value, and desirability.

Throughout my life I have looked to others for constant reassurance which come on… is bullshit. The problem is that I still don’t trust myself and/or lack the self-confidence that I try so hard to show. I mean when I’m manic… the god-complex takes over and I literally give NO fucks… but that only lasts for so long. When I’m not manic, I tend to feel worthless… empty… and lost unless someone is there to give me confirmation that I’m not those things.

But like why? Why am I unable to rely on myself? Why can’t I ignore the horrible thoughts my head tries to convince me?

Maybe it’s because I’m so paranoid that everyone hates me and is trying to leave me that I’m subconsciously convincing myself of the reasons that they should… (the abandonment again…).
Or maybe it’s the thought that if others verbalize my value then they will believe it more too. Thus, preventing them from wanting to leave me while also boosting my shit ego. I know it’s not healthy to rely on others for my happiness, I’m aware of that. I also do know deep, deep inside that I am all the amazing things that I tell myself I’m not. Yet… I still search for validation.

I’ve been trying to fix this self-doubt and hatred for awhile… like literal years. Lately, I’ve even been hiding positivity quotes around so I can find them randomly as a sort of pick me up. So I’m working on it… I really am. These kind of self-reflection posts do help the cause as well. Eventually I’ll figure it out. Maybe I need to go on some kind of bullshit retreat. I don’t know…

Until then I’ll be here, still acting like the badass I know I can be. Thanks for reading again.

-Hal

by Categories: My ThoughtsTags: , , , , , , ,

Time

I hate time. I wish it would stop. 

I wish time would pause, take a break, and forget to restart. 
I wish the hands on the clock would inexplicably 
stop ticking their way through moments 
that will never come back. 
I wish the squares on every calendar were empty 
with events that would never occur. 
I wish the air would still and the world would be deafened 
by the harshness of complete silence. 
I wish the details in my memory weren't diminished 
by days of mindless routines and mundane expectations. 

Yet... if time was gracious enough to stop...
would there truly be a point in ever existing?
by Categories: My PoetryTags: , , , 8 Comments

Monophobia

Her paranoid mind cruelly twists 
facts into deranged delusions, 
irrationality and self-doubt 
filling up the unused spaces 
in her pathetic head. 
 
Her thoughts churn, 
anxiety bringing up the bile 
that belongs in her stomach 
as fear convinces her that  
loneliness is sure to come. 

She will be abandoned, forgotten, 
and left in the darkness. 

So she tries to keep them close. 

Yet her ill-fated attempts only 
stifle, smother, and suffocate 
the people she loves most. 

Her affection too harsh 
and overwhelming for them to bear.
by Categories: My PoetryTags: , , , , , 4 Comments

Welp

Welp… I brought my laptop back out again.

I’m not sure what else to do on nights like this. Netflix isn’t helping, music is making it worse, and somehow food isn’t even appealing. Thus… I sit here typing in my kitchen while making sure my cats don’t steal my food cooling on the counter. Although my back is turned so…

Anyways… well I still have Borderline Personality. Surprise. How’s it been going you ask?

Not that great.

Over the last month I’ve been slowly drowning in a metaphorical pool of mental health bullshit. I’m not even sure what triggered it this time which is the worst part because I can’t fix an unknown problem. I mean I did have a good friend of mine pass away a month ago, but I feel like I’m at peace with it. My grandma isn’t doing the world’s greatest right now either, but there’s no immediate concern. I’m probably the healthiest I’ve ever been. I have great friends. Nothing crazy has happened at work… yet here I am… nauseated and tearing up every five minutes with this intense feeling of impending doom. It feels like something awful is about to happen… but I have no idea what…. so I begin questioning my entire reality and replaying every single thing I’ve done wrong in the past decade. I feel extremely paranoid and restless and my head is so loud that it’s getting to the point where I can’t sleep (so now I understand why people with insomnia are usually grump asses). Also… don’t suggest that I take melatonin… I’m now immune. The only thing allowing me to rest and relax is marijuana and Tiktok. Seriously… I know. I know…

I assume I need a medication change because well hey… my head’s fucked up and sometimes I just need an adjustment. The issue with that is I can’t see a provider until the end of August and let me tell ya… four weeks is a long fucking time for someone that’s walking on the edge of collapse.

I don’t need a psychiatrist. I don’t need to talk about my feelings. I have the workbooks, the techniques, the breathing… blah blah blah. And so help me God… if I have to repeat my entire life story to someone ever again… I will metaphorically jump off a metaphorical tall building without a parachute (metaphorically). I have a chemical imbalance in my head that no amount of redundant therapies can fix. #BPD

On a positive note, I’m too self aware for my BPD to destroy me and I have the best fucking support system that I could ever ask for. Honestly, my friends, family, and this WP community has done more for me than any amount of therapy or books ever has. I just have to wait patiently, not push everyone away, and take care of myself until I have my appointment.

So don’t’ worry… I’ll be okay. I’m always okay.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. 🙂

-Hal

by Categories: My ThoughtsTags: , , , , , , , , 19 Comments