Insomnia

You may ask me why I'm tired all the time 
and I'll tell you this... 

It's the restless thoughts 
and pointless repetitions. 

It's the endless worries 
and racing questions. 

It's the memories that haven't happened 
as I try to perceive the future. 

And it's the idea... 

And the notion... 

Of living without you. 

Time

I hate time. I wish it would stop. 

I wish time would pause, take a break, and forget to restart. 
I wish the hands on the clock would inexplicably 
stop ticking their way through moments 
that will never come back. 
I wish the squares on every calendar were empty 
with events that would never occur. 
I wish the air would still and the world would be deafened 
by the harshness of complete silence. 
I wish the details in my memory weren't diminished 
by days of mindless routines and mundane expectations. 

Yet... if time was gracious enough to stop...
would there truly be a point in ever existing? 

Monophobia

Her paranoid mind cruelly twists 
facts into deranged delusions, 
irrationality and self-doubt 
filling up the unused spaces 
in her pathetic head. 
 
Her thoughts churn, 
anxiety bringing up the bile 
that belongs in her stomach 
as fear convinces her that  
loneliness is sure to come. 

She will be abandoned, forgotten, 
and left in the darkness. 

So she tries to keep them close. 

Yet her ill-fated attempts only 
stifle, smother, and suffocate 
the people she loves most. 

Her affection too harsh 
and overwhelming for them to bear. 

When

When reflections off the pavement 
no longer make you smile, 
and you haven't heard your own laughter 
echo for awhile... 

When the thought of any affection 
makes you want to scream, 
yet the thought of physical pain 
makes your eyes begin to gleam... 

When your fist feels more natural  
being curled up into a ball, 
but it somehow feels even better 
when it makes contact with a wall... 

When you're no longer sure 
if happiness is obtainable, 
and your fake-ass smile 
is sad and unsustainable... 

When there's no longer beauty 
found in every day things, 
then what's the point of seeing 
what tomorrow even brings? 

Today

I'm unworthy of your warmth.  

I deserve the solitude and loneliness that lives inside me, 
not the comfort of being between your arms. 

I'm not meant for contentment,  
I'm meant for failure. 

I am perpetually reckless, selfish, and stubborn... 
making me undeserving of any form of love from you.