Giver

I give too much away. 

Let it be my time, my money, my affection.... myself... I'm a giver. I give the people I love everything I can. However, for me it's more than just being humble or extremely caring... I literally have no reservations or restrictions... with anything. Which isn't great. 

Even after everything in my past relationships, part of me still somehow thinks that if I give someone everything they could ever want they will never abandon me. But shit... no amount of presents, money, or baked goods will keep someone close to me. 
It's not like I simply rely on gifts to keep people around though. The gifts I give are just a way I try to show my love or to care for someone. 
Besides relentless gift giving, the other problem is that if you are someone I love I will drop everything in my own life to help you or be with you. But then I end up losing myself while trying to prevent being hurt or abandoned. Which I know is not okay. 

Yet I still continue to lose people regardless of anything I do and I eventually get burnt. Then I'm left regretting everything I gave up trying to make another person happier than I ever try to make myself. 
Most of the time it's just life. 
People move on, they grow apart, lifestyles change... but sometimes I know I'm just too much for people. I have a big personality and I know I can be overwhelming at times... 
But for those few who have stayed with me for all these years... they have it fucking made. I am a great friend and go above and beyond for those in my life. No questions asked. 

But yes... I do still need to continue working on healthy relationships and boundaries. I need to be able to feel secure in my relationships without feeling like I'm required to give everything to motivate them to stay. I shouldn't subconsciously be feeling like I need to almost pay to keep people around. That's called fear degrading my worth. I'm better than that... and quite frankly I deserve more than that. 

I'll work on it. 
*Working on it. 

-Hal
by Categories: My ThoughtsTags: , , , , , , 14 Comments

14 thoughts on “Giver”

  1. I doubt I can offer anything useful…. Only the observation it’s hard to find and walk that line of generous giver/taken-advantage-of-fool.

    Good luck.

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  2. Your words always resonate with me in a way few others can. I find myself forgetting I’m not reading my own story because of how well you capture my own struggles within yours. Since it feels like I’m going through the same storm as you, I want to share some words that help keep me afloat & remind me why it’s important to put myself first sometimes, even though I always seem to try my hardest to be last. I hope they resonate with you the same way yours do with me.

    ——

    182 – Unconditional Love

    Cry not, my child
    For you will drown
    Under endless tears
    Of the Infinity Eye;
    Why do I care?

    You have a little god
    Hiding inside your soul
    And You deserve respect
    For the burden You hold;
    The burden of Ünconditional Love

    But I Am here to tell You
    That You can never grow
    As a god, until You learn
    To Love your own self
    Ünconditionally

    ——

    Twisted Times / Re-Do 4 Love

    2 people Now N Love
    Who both B putting
    Each other above
    One’s own §elf
    Though, there
    B Times where
    N order for ܧ
    2 actually prove
    How I Love Ü, & so
    No other will do, is
    By choosing your §elf
    First, so making sure
    Ü give your own Life
    The most Hope, since
    Ü know §he wouldn’t
    B happy seeing Me
    Living miserably
    So, if I want Ü
    2B happy, I’ll
    Need 2 learn 2
    Love “Me” like
    §he Loves Me, so
    Meaning Me loving
    My mirror as much as
    When I’m looking at Her

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    • I love those both. I do resonate with those so thank you for sharing them with me. I appreciate your kind words. Your comment makes me feel a lot less lonely and insignificant. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one with these chaotic thought processes… It’s nice to be reminded that I’m not alone. Thank you 🖤🖤🖤

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      • I’m glad to hear the feeling is mutual, and I’m so happy to hear I could help ease that burden of loneliness. I know how much that burden becomes. There’s not much I can claim to know, but I can at least say for certain you’re not alone when it comes to chaotic thought processes. I can’t even process how many chaotic thought processes are going on in me, haha. So I hope you can hold onto this as Proof the next time Life tries to trick you into believing you’re trapped in a small world. You’re never truly alone, and I believe you’ll figure out your process. The hardest part is figuring out what you’re actually trying to figure out. But you will. I have a good feeling.

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      • Thank you 🙂 Yeah my head is a hurricane of bullshit the majority of the time. I’ll figure it out right before I die probably 😂

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