Changes

I know changes are inevitable, but to me they’re a death sentence.

If I haven’t already stated this to you all… I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it involves issues revolving around abandonment. So when I know changes in my life will happen, I experience an overwhelming amount of dread and anxiety… especially when losing someone is a possibility.

To me the idea of losing someone feels like my entire world is being wiped away. I feel like I don’t know how to function knowing they’ll be gone and that there’s no point in living without them in my life. It’s basically like an appendage has been forcibly removed from me and I’ve been told to just move on… like a metaphorical amputation. 😉

Now I’ve done the homework, the therapy, all the bullshit… and no matter what I tell myself… I struggle. I fucking struggle over and over and over… And now I’m here. Struggling once more.

I know (I fucking know) I need to worry less about being abandoned and focus more on trusting people to stay in my life… but pushing past the intrusive thoughts is seemingly impossible.

I guess what I really need to figure out is how to trust people to stay with me… Even though I feel underserved of that privilege…

I’ll take whatever advice/wisdom you all offer.

-Hal

by Categories: My ThoughtsTags: , , , , , , 35 Comments

35 thoughts on “Changes”

  1. You captured that struggle of learning to trust again so perfectly in your words. There’s a strange comfort seeing someone else write what you’re feeling. Like the struggle is real, and not just inside my head.

    If you’re interested, I think you might get a similar experience reading this. I don’t know if all of it will apply, but there are some parts I believe will really ring true:
    http://madmanphilosophy.home.blog/2023/01/25/sage-of-self-care/

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  2. Although I am not very familiar with the diagnosis of Borderline, I recognize the symptoms. For me, the undemanding nature and especially the forest have always given back the most. Using a camera and binoculars, as in my case, but also curiosity about all living things, to get out helps me and many others.

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    • I feel that way too when I’m in nature. Just at peace. That’s the worst part about winter for me, one of my safe havens is too cold to be enjoyable. Thank you Hans ❤️

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  3. Hi, I wish I had some good advice to share. Having suffered major anxiety throughout my life I do know that it helps me to focus on something outside myself. Enjoying the natural world gives me peace. So, I can lessen my personal anxiety, but it always seems to come back. I do wish you the best in your personal struggle.

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  5. Changes are crazy difficult…but that’s the only constant, as we say…I’m only sharing what I do in difficult times…baby-steps & deep breaths…to simply connect…with the inner self…sometimes I can…sometimes I can’t…the feeling of Russian roulette…but still having the trust…the process & belief in myself…to meet the unknown…whatever is happening, has a reason…I don’t understand it right away…but taking one moment at a time, it helps…pls take care, dear Hal 💟

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    • Thank you 🖤 Yes, I keep telling myself over the years that people are meant to come in and out our lives… But I struggle letting them go if it’s not on my terms. So I’m left heartbroken, angry, pissed at myself for feeling like this, and confused. I always feel like I did something or could have done something different to change an outcome. Even when I know I can’t. Thank you for listening and taking the time to write. 🖤 I appreciate you.

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  6. I don’t know if this comment will help but I share anyway… one of the best lessons I learned was the importance of holding loosely those I love. This really started when my son died and my world fell apart. To have, what felt like, my entire heart ripped out of my body. How to live? Why? What was the point? I realized that if I didn’t “let him go”, I would be destroyed as a person… and then what WAS the point? To fold into depression and despair was, I felt, a disservice to my son’s life. I had to very carefully and consciously Choose to rather than looking at what I had lost, but at what I had gained. What did his life bring to me (and bring to other family members)? Those are things I remember and treasure and cherish. When I became pregnant with the next child, I worried, would I lose this one too? I purposely decided it didn’t matter because I would love this one with all the love I had and cherish every moment I had, long or short, good or bad.

    The same lesson is true in my relationship with my best friend, whom I adore and love, but cannot be a romantic relationship. So, I had to choose to “be okay” with our relationship for what it is: a deep, satisfying friendship that won’t be more. For a while I found myself worrying that I would lose him, because he is so important to me, but realized that just sabotages the friendship and doesn’t appreciate what we DO have.

    I don’t know if that makes sense, but since I have changed my mindset about loss (real or contrived) I can really enjoy what I have rather than living in a fantasy possible future of maybe-loss, maybe-not.

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    • Tara thank you. You hit nails right on the head here. That last paragraph you wrote hit me.
      I’m so very sorry about the loss of your son, but I’m so proud of you for moving forward the best you can. Not everyone has the bravery and strength to do that.
      One of my issues is loving loosely… I don’t…
      When I care about someone, it’s almost too much and I end up like smothering them. I constantly have to remind myself to step back, breathe, don’t overwhelm people…. Because I’ve seen what happens when I don’t. So then I’m constantly in panic mode about losing them.
      Thus the cycle repeats of the real/fake possibilities of loss.

      Thank you for sharing your story with me. I appreciate you Tara. 🖤

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      • I’m the same with smothering. Or, at least I used to be. I still struggle with it and have to conscientiously hold love loosely. It’s not easy. Believe me! But: I believe in you. Hugs.

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  7. That must be debilitating – feeling the threat of being abandoned all the time.
    I don’t suffer from such affliction, so I don’t have any personal suggestion or tips to share. I am sorry.
    All I can do is to show you that I have been following your blog and reading your every post, and I am still here as a reader. You share raw and intimate side of yourself with me through your emotive and distinct writing style. That is precious and I feel privilege to read you.
    Sending you hugs and prayer of security and peace. 💚🙏

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  8. I wish I had the wisdom, or the magic words to not make it be true. I associate change with chaos, which makes things a struggle as well. Intrusive thoughts are such assholes. I am sorry you are struggling, and I see you. 🙂

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    • I thought the same thing. I thought maybe a few would comment something, but I’m very appreciative and stunned that so many took the time to write. 🖤

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  10. Good day mlle

    I just began understood the ramification of borderline in my life very lately… I also can now relate on what my mother was all her / and my life by the side of things. So I am not very good at giving advice, and so many comment already gave some light on how to deal with that… Forest, Reading, Gaming if it is your thing. Being creative is the best antidote to date.

    Anyway, I thank you for this blog, where you openly talk about it. It did resonate to me.
    and please take care, on breath at a time 🌹

    Myriam

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    • Thank you Miriam. Your mother had borderline? Do you have it too?
      Being creative I think is the best way to trying to get through thoughts. Music or background noise also helps distract myself from my own head most of the time.
      Thank you for saying that. I always hope my words somehow help or resonate with someone. Take care and thank you again!

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      • Bon matin mllle Hal

        Yes indeed, I suffer from Borderline Disorder, I know to well your sorrow. In a post you did confide about how sometime only being in bed days long creeps on. I have been there, done that.

        So thank you for sharing, and also your poetry from which many, I am sure can relate to.
        Please take care, and know that it can become bearable with time. 💌

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      • Thank you Myriam. I’m sorry that you have the bad days like mine, but hopefully you get the good ones like mine too. Thank you for thanking me. I appreciate you too. ❤️

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