Tag: Thoughts

Last Moments

I always wonder what goes on in people’s minds when they are dying… like what could they possibly be dreaming about while they’re waiting to die?

I think we all probably like to think that our minds replay our life like a film reel right before we kick the bucket. Colorful scenes showing us our most unforgettable moments, friends, vacations, parties, first kisses, lovers… etc. Our brains faintly playing the soundtrack to our lives in the background, matching the emotion in our heartfelt memories. We romanticize what we hope waits for us in those last moments before the unknown.

But honestly… our last dreams are probably just the same as our normal dreams. Random and meaningless. And knowing that is kind of a bummer because I don’t want to be having the same idiotic dreams right up until I croak. My dreams are regularly full of so much nonsense and random bullshit that I can’t even follow them. They’re like cough syrup dreams without having to drink any actual cough syrup. I don’t want that. That sounds like an awful way to go.

Anyways, as someone who is frequently exposed to those the dying process, I catch myself wondering what’s happening in their head every time. Yet if it came down to it, I don’t think I’d actually want to know. I’d most likely just be disappointed that instead of reliving the most beautiful and significant times of my life… I’m dreaming about heating up hot pockets or some shit.

Alas… it’s just another one of life’s many lucrative secrets that I’m sure to find the answer to eventually. No rush.

-Hal

by Categories: My ThoughtsTags: , , , , , , , 7 Comments

Self-Sabotage

Oh the irony of self-sabotage…

So as we know I’m borderline. Borderline with a hint of abandonment issues.
Tonight I’m overthinking (as I do) about how much I dread the idea of being abandoned, yet I’ve consistently tested people to see if they will leave me. Like a never-ending game of “let’s see how much they truly care”.
Over the years, I have found myself repeatedly pushing the most important people in my life to their breaking point with me. Then if (or when) they do leave me, I somehow am still able to feel shocked by it.
I can’t recall how many times I’ve screamed “leave me the fuck alone” to someone I deeply care about while internally pleading and begging them to stay. I’m not sure if I do this to try to prove to myself that I’m unlovable and that they don’t truly care about me or if I do this to protect myself from being vulnerable/hurt. Because let’s face it… how can you be hurt by someone if you’re the one doing all the hurting?
I can be so loving and selfless, yet I can be mean…. cruel even when I try to push someone away. I’m not a mean person, I know that, but I have said awful things to get a reaction from someone. Looking back, it’s like I was taunting people to prove to me that I was unworthy, even though I was doing it to myself. Like I wanted them to prove to me that they could hate me almost as much as I hated myself.
The more I study and learn about being borderline, the more I realize that my biggest problem has not been the fear of abandonment… it’s been self-sabotage.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt completely deserving of love and I’m not sure if I ever will. I think that the parts of myself that are filled with self-hatred just try to abolish any happiness that enters my life. Thus… causing me to push away those who do try to show me love. It’s fucked. I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m slowly figuring out how to win this game with myself. But it’s fucked.

That’s really all I have in me tonight. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.

-Hal

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Lift Your Foot

Red traffic lights tempt me.

They arouse my intrusive thoughts,
silently urging me to lift my foot.

“Roll forward, let it go, see what happens.”

Yes… oncoming traffic might stop, people might brake, waiting patiently for me to escape their path… But there’s that chance they don’t.

And then I’d experience the shattering windshield, the violent scraping of metal, and the deafening collision that the sick parts of my mind crave…

Yet fear stops me.

But it’s not a fear of my own injury or death. It’s the inevitable pain and problems it would bring to others. It’s honestly the aftermath for the innocent that scares me. The bystanders, the people involved, my family, my friends… everyone else besides me.

Which yes… this thought process is fucked. I’m already aware of this. But this is how my head works… responsibly irresponsible.

I would like to clarify that I’m NOT suicidal. I DO NOT want to die. However, I do occasionally hypothesize ways my mortality could end if I let it.

I’ll wrap this up by stating that my foot is staying securely on the brakes at red lights. Intrusive thoughts are just thoughts… that’s all they are and ever will be.

-Hal


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“Happiness”

I don’t know how to exist as “happy”.

I’m realizing that I’m not really having any bad days anymore. Sure I still have bad moments, but the full days of overwhelming sadness and anger have seemingly dissipated. I know this is a good thing because no one should be internally suffering. However, I almost feel like I don’t know how to function without having to fight myself.

Don’t get me wrong though… I like the feeling of mental stability, but I still find myself subconsciously searching for anything to be upset about and I’m not sure why. It’s like my fight-or-flight mode is now panicking with newfound boredom and trying to find anything to stir itself up. Which is fucked I know.

It’s kind of funny though…

I’ve been striving years for this “happiness”. All the meds, therapies, blah blah blah… and now I get here and I’m not sure how to handle it. Now it’s the irony of “how do I manage to survive without exhausting amounts of depression and anxiety?” My head is something else…

Well… here’s to “happiness”. 😏🖤 Cheers.

-Hal

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Changes

I know changes are inevitable, but to me they’re a death sentence.

If I haven’t already stated this to you all… I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it involves issues revolving around abandonment. So when I know changes in my life will happen, I experience an overwhelming amount of dread and anxiety… especially when losing someone is a possibility.

To me the idea of losing someone feels like my entire world is being wiped away. I feel like I don’t know how to function knowing they’ll be gone and that there’s no point in living without them in my life. It’s basically like an appendage has been forcibly removed from me and I’ve been told to just move on… like a metaphorical amputation. 😉

Now I’ve done the homework, the therapy, all the bullshit… and no matter what I tell myself… I struggle. I fucking struggle over and over and over… And now I’m here. Struggling once more.

I know (I fucking know) I need to worry less about being abandoned and focus more on trusting people to stay in my life… but pushing past the intrusive thoughts is seemingly impossible.

I guess what I really need to figure out is how to trust people to stay with me… Even though I feel underserved of that privilege…

I’ll take whatever advice/wisdom you all offer.

-Hal

by Categories: My ThoughtsTags: , , , , , , 35 Comments

Guests

Like unwanted party guests 
the thoughts arrive, 
casually striding in together 
to fuck with my mind. 

They're compulsive, intrusive, 
and highly erratic, 
depressive, manipulative, 
and obscenely manic. 

They've had no invite 
or welcoming at all, 
yet they play in my head 
like a reckless free-for-all. 

They'll take what they can 
until they've had enough, 
while I watch from the corner 
sitting silently in disgust. 

For I can't get them out 
or exonerate their presence, 
so patiently I just wait 
for their eventual evanescence.
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