When you learn a new word,
suddenly it's everywhere.
You see it appearing on signs
around your all too familiar town...
You hear it echoing from a stranger's
mouth in another room...
You suddenly notice it blatantly staring
back at you from the pages in a book
you've read five times before...
But it's not coincidental.
It's simply the ignorance
to what you've always overlooked
beginning to fade away.
Tag: Thoughts
Friendships…
So… I have always put in way too much of an effort to keep a dead or fading relationship going. Over the years I’ve had quite a few friendships become one sided (where I slowly become the only one making any effort to make plans or communicate). Up until about a year ago I would do anything to keep someone in my life, but now I feel the complete opposite.
I’m at the point in my life that when I notice a relationship start to become dependent on me keeping it alive… I’m just over it. I refuse to beg to be a part of someone’s life or future (no matter the amount of great memories we’ve shared in the past). I get that people and situations change (I’m not ignorant), but if I’ve ever meant as much to someone as they’ve told me I do, I wouldn’t be the only one repeatedly trying to salvage friendships (especially friendships that have no apparent reason to be preserved besides my own personal nostalgias). My self worth and time is simply more important than that.
History is called history for a reason right?
I definitely have made my own mistakes in friendships and I am nowhere near a perfect friend, but I do deserve relationships that have an equal amount of effort being put into it. So if someone doesn’t want to put in any effort or is putting in the most minimal effort… I’m peacing. I have one life and I’m not wasting it trying to keep others around.
If I could give anyone reading this advice… Do not waste your precious time keeping relationships alive if you’re the only one trying. Just fucking leave. (Gracefully though, don’t be an asshole about it).
We all deserve to be in that Myspace top ten. 🫡
-Hal
Btw… I fucking hate Valentine’s Day. Every day we should be telling people we love them.
Happy Valentine’s Day though 😊🖤
2023
Well this has been a year…
These last 360 days have been full of learning experiences and life lessons. I have discovered so much about myself (both good and bad) that will definitely be impacting how I will move forward into this next year. Honestly, it’s been a good one. I’ve got an incredible support system of family and friends in my life and I’ve gotten to do some pretty amazing things.
I do have a few regrets (as most of us probably do), but no painstaking ones. In reality though… I think they were all things that will lead to positive changes in the next year for me. So maybe I don’t actually regret most of them.
I have discovered parts of me that I don’t necessarily enjoy. I think a lot of us have an alter ego or two within us… I found one within some fucked up corner of my soul that I thought made me happy, but ended up being kind of harmful. I basically just discovered more ways to disrespect and exploit myself. I have been known to push the boundaries in my life…. But shit… I kind of went above and beyond a few times. Not the best, healthy version of me. But life lessons and experiences are important… I guess…
I don’t do resolutions at New Year’s… But if I did… I would say that this year I want to love myself wholeheartedly. I want to be able to feel content in my own head (at least most of the time) and trust that I can make myself happy. I just want to prove to myself that I don’t need anyone else’s approval. I still catch myself searching for acceptance and affection from others… when in reality it doesn’t fucking matter.
I’ll work on it I swear.
Anyways… thank you all for sticking with me again this year. I really appreciate the love from the WP community and I am grateful for all the support.
Happy New Year 🙂
-Hal
Selfish
My thoughts may be selfish to you,
but they are mine.
I refuse to be sift and sort
through my beliefs and ideas
to please sensitive ears.
I forbid myself from following
societies standards that shame
those who speak without fear.
My words are neither
cruel nor vicious,
they aren't meant to coddle
the already oppressed.
Yes my tongue lacks
the desired censorship,
but those desires I detest.
So judge me,
ridicule me,
think me to be outlandish.
My voice is meant to be heard,
only my silence would be selfish.
Nail in a Coffin
They say ending a chapter is like putting a nail in a coffin. It's done, final, over. But what if the wood splinters and cracks in the process? The once definite and absolute finale now stands in disrepair. There's fragments hanging, pieces missing, and it's unsuitable to be laid to rest in peace. However, there's still a choice to be made... Do you try to fix all that has been broken and bury it at ease? Or do you just let the whole thing go down without a second glance?
Reality Check
I think I started losing myself again in June…
One of the biggest issues with having BPD revolves around change. And honestly, this includes ANY kind of change, but for me it tends to revolve around routines. I think that for the most part people without mental health issues view changes in their routines as seemingly insignificant, tolerable, maybe slightly inconvenient… However, my mind fucking spirals when my habits and patterns become skewed.
In spring a close friend of mine moved away, not far, but far enough that meeting up wasn’t as easy. Yes, some of my daily routines, past times, and work life changed, but I was doing okay. I did worry that communication was going to change as well, but it really didn’t too much and I’ve been adapting to the best of my ability. Around that time I also lost my doctor to retirement (like good for her, but bad for me) who I trusted. If you have mental health issues, you understand how fucked it can be trying to find a provider that you trust and doesn’t make you feel like you just need more sunlight or whatever. But then in the end of June I lost a friend to well… the afterlife. She was 99 and on hospice though so I mean it wasn’t unexpected. I was lucky enough to be able to say goodbye and I truly felt at peace about it (And think I still am). Yet… these are all events are changes, some bigger than others, but changes nonetheless. So since spring I have been hyper-focused on death, changes, and losing the people around me to the point that I’ve begun to lose myself.
So now, I can see that I have apparently spiraled once more due to my inability to tolerate changes. The equation for the spiral begins with change, which leads to overwhelming anxiety, which then leads to non-suicidal depression, which then leads to self-hate, which inevitably leads to a series of self-sabotage techniques (which I have perfected). And here I am. Again.
I had a reality check this weekend and realized how much I have begun to self-sabotage myself again. I’m doing things that “normal” people would probably be moderately concerned about and that I should’ve been able to recognize as unhealthy. Most are small things… just things to boost my serotonin levels even for a bit… but all these little things have added up into piles of bullshit. Bad habits, negative thought processes, irrationality, sadness, paranoia, insomnia, self-harm, etc. But the WORST PART is that I’m looking to others to make myself feel better and distract me which is never okay. It’s just not fair to myself or others.
I KNOW how to make myself happy and actually deal with issues in a healthy way. I KNOW how to make my mindset better and what I should be doing. I KNOW I need a medication adjustment too (in process) because you can’t fix chemical imbalances with mediation and hobbies… sorry but you just fucking can’t. I KNOW what to do, but it’s like I’m completely ignorant and unaware of how bad things are until they get to this point. I keep thinking I’m completely self-aware of issues, but honestly unless someone really brings it to my attention, I’m only like half self-aware. Which isn’t super.
So yeah… here I sit… bitch-slapped by reality. Which honestly is okay. I’ve been through WAY WAY worse, but this still isn’t great. However, I do think that between this realization, some positive changes, reaching out for help, and a new med I’ll be doing okay again. Possibly even great. Who really knows… But at least I’m 100% aware now.
That’s it. That’s all I got.
Thanks for reading my thoughts.
-Hal
Reassurance…
As much as I hate to admit it… my exterior is a kind of a facade.
As a self-proclaimed badass, I have spent years vocalizing that I give no fucks and that if someone doesn’t like me they can leave. Physically I have the tattoos, the piercings, the edgy clothing, the angsty vibe… blah. However, on the inside I’m constantly begging for validation of my worth, value, and desirability.
Throughout my life I have looked to others for constant reassurance which come on… is bullshit. The problem is that I still don’t trust myself and/or lack the self-confidence that I try so hard to show. I mean when I’m manic… the god-complex takes over and I literally give NO fucks… but that only lasts for so long. When I’m not manic, I tend to feel worthless… empty… and lost unless someone is there to give me confirmation that I’m not those things.
But like why? Why am I unable to rely on myself? Why can’t I ignore the horrible thoughts my head tries to convince me?
Maybe it’s because I’m so paranoid that everyone hates me and is trying to leave me that I’m subconsciously convincing myself of the reasons that they should… (the abandonment again…).
Or maybe it’s the thought that if others verbalize my value then they will believe it more too. Thus, preventing them from wanting to leave me while also boosting my shit ego. I know it’s not healthy to rely on others for my happiness, I’m aware of that. I also do know deep, deep inside that I am all the amazing things that I tell myself I’m not. Yet… I still search for validation.
I’ve been trying to fix this self-doubt and hatred for awhile… like literal years. Lately, I’ve even been hiding positivity quotes around so I can find them randomly as a sort of pick me up. So I’m working on it… I really am. These kind of self-reflection posts do help the cause as well. Eventually I’ll figure it out. Maybe I need to go on some kind of bullshit retreat. I don’t know…
Until then I’ll be here, still acting like the badass I know I can be. Thanks for reading again.
-Hal
Time
I hate time. I wish it would stop. I wish time would pause, take a break, and forget to restart. I wish the hands on the clock would inexplicably stop ticking their way through moments that will never come back. I wish the squares on every calendar were empty with events that would never occur. I wish the air would still and the world would be deafened by the harshness of complete silence. I wish the details in my memory weren't diminished by days of mindless routines and mundane expectations. Yet... if time was gracious enough to stop... would there truly be a point in ever existing?
Welp
Welp… I brought my laptop back out again.
I’m not sure what else to do on nights like this. Netflix isn’t helping, music is making it worse, and somehow food isn’t even appealing. Thus… I sit here typing in my kitchen while making sure my cats don’t steal my food cooling on the counter. Although my back is turned so…
Anyways… well I still have Borderline Personality. Surprise. How’s it been going you ask?
Not that great.
Over the last month I’ve been slowly drowning in a metaphorical pool of mental health bullshit. I’m not even sure what triggered it this time which is the worst part because I can’t fix an unknown problem. I mean I did have a good friend of mine pass away a month ago, but I feel like I’m at peace with it. My grandma isn’t doing the world’s greatest right now either, but there’s no immediate concern. I’m probably the healthiest I’ve ever been. I have great friends. Nothing crazy has happened at work… yet here I am… nauseated and tearing up every five minutes with this intense feeling of impending doom. It feels like something awful is about to happen… but I have no idea what…. so I begin questioning my entire reality and replaying every single thing I’ve done wrong in the past decade. I feel extremely paranoid and restless and my head is so loud that it’s getting to the point where I can’t sleep (so now I understand why people with insomnia are usually grump asses). Also… don’t suggest that I take melatonin… I’m now immune. The only thing allowing me to rest and relax is marijuana and Tiktok. Seriously… I know. I know…
I assume I need a medication change because well hey… my head’s fucked up and sometimes I just need an adjustment. The issue with that is I can’t see a provider until the end of August and let me tell ya… four weeks is a long fucking time for someone that’s walking on the edge of collapse.
I don’t need a psychiatrist. I don’t need to talk about my feelings. I have the workbooks, the techniques, the breathing… blah blah blah. And so help me God… if I have to repeat my entire life story to someone ever again… I will metaphorically jump off a metaphorical tall building without a parachute (metaphorically). I have a chemical imbalance in my head that no amount of redundant therapies can fix. #BPD
On a positive note, I’m too self aware for my BPD to destroy me and I have the best fucking support system that I could ever ask for. Honestly, my friends, family, and this WP community has done more for me than any amount of therapy or books ever has. I just have to wait patiently, not push everyone away, and take care of myself until I have my appointment.
So don’t’ worry… I’ll be okay. I’m always okay.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. 🙂
-Hal
The Present
The present only exists for a single second. Everything prior is immediately the past, and everything further belongs to the future. But that's time... fleeting and relentless. Placing timelines on moments the second they've begun.
AO Poetry 
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