I have tried to imagine all of the moments that I could bump into you.
As if I could compel corny, casual encounters that are made explicitly for the cinema into existence.
Maybe it's during a late night trip for cereal at the grocery store, an early morning stop at the gas station, or a mid-afternoon pill pick up at the pharmacy.
Maybe we reach for the same box, we arrive at the same time, or we stumble into the same softly lit aisle.
But maybe within each scenario something inevitably goes wrong.
All the shelves in the cereal aisle are completely empty, every fuel pump is forlornly flagged as out of service, and somehow I completely forgot to refill my prescription.
I have tried to imagine all of the moments that I could bump into you, but it just never works.
How could my mind ever create a place that will never exist for a person who is no longer there.
Tag: Thoughts
Unremarkable
In reality, too many people are simply a disappointment.
They live without passion.
Waking up each day solely to fulfill the mindless routines and mundane expectations that society prompts them to accomplish.
They simply exist to exist as they strive to subsist and survive.
Appeasing a world built purely around predictability, profit, and political propaganda.
How can people be at peace with knowing that their life will end as unremarkably as the day they were born?
Perhaps because mediocrity offers comfort.
Perhaps for many it is easier to die unremarkably than to risk the consequences of ever truly living.
Babel
I realized that I had flipped through an entire chapter without retaining any words.
My eyes had scanned each line of thirteen full pages without actually reading a single letter.
Thirteen.
I apparently had no desire to try to comprehend anything besides the blur of babel in my mind.
So I closed the book with a sigh.
Statistics
I'm a statistic, but aren't we all?
We all exist as a number,
a simple digit paying dues
to whatever damage
has been done to us.
That is the sadness of our reality.
We are all just data points and
percentages in a passive population.
Learning
Learning is the movement of ideas.
It's constant,
forever changing and expanding
into areas that we didn't know existed.
Areas that morph all that we believe
and all that we perceive
into concepts that will never
be able to remain stagnant.
Simultaneously
Are memories formed within the exact moment we experience them?
Can a split second simultaneously become the past and present as the neurons in our brains try to differentiate between the now and then?
Are we able to remember the details of everything happening to us as if they have already happened?
How do we know where the timelines truly begin?
Or when the memories actually end?
Thorns
Thoughts become embedded
into my brain like thorns.
They bury their sharp edges
deep into the vulnerable seams
of my subconscious,
silently smirking at their inability
to be removed.
Over time I forget about them
as they lie there quietly,
dormant in their watchful wait.
Their presence swiftly returning
the second my mind
starts to stir.
Words
Words have a lasting impact,
even the most seemingly insignificant ones.
Simple sentences morph into occult scars
that radiate with permanence and persistence within our heads.
Intrusive echoes left to remind us
of days long past and moments long gone.
Mere words become our
blessings and burdens.
Easily spoken,
yet impossible to forget.
Wasting Water
Tonight the anxiety has come without cause. My head is loud, I can’t focus, I’m nauseated and nervous for no real reason. At least not one I can pinpoint.
I probably should eat, turn on something with sound, do anything besides ruminate on the million miniscule issues I’ve created in my head.
I need to relax, but I’m like the least relaxed person that I know… My head is just too active I think. I can imagine that when I’m like this the synapses in my brain are just firing off at an unfathomable speed. It’s literally everything and nothing running though my mind all at the same time.
I’m breathing. Typing. Fan is fucking whirling. The sink is on for white noise. But now I’m just wasting water. Water is precious. Isn’t California in a drought? Someones got to be in a drought. I’m a fucking asshole. I should turn off the damn water…
There’s a prime example of my intrusive, rambling thoughts.
Endless. Pointless. Basically stupid.
Should I keep this in my drafts? Probably. But why do I care? I don’t. So post it. Read it tomorrow. Get a laugh out of it. Maybe someone will giggle. Shit… I’ll at least enjoy it tomorrow when my head has mellowed.
I do feel better now. My odd narratives usually make me quite happy. I’m going to eat now. 🙂
-Hal
Personal Reminder
So I’ve been off of work for the last month recovering from a surgery and damn… it’s been a good reset. I usually work nightshift and was able to see the sun daily and actually be productive in my home life. I also was able to visit and spend time with the people in my life that I love dearly.
In all honesty I’ve been pretty shitty with making an effort to see people in person the last year. I apparently have developed some anxiety with breaking my schedule/routines and leaving the house in general. I used to be more social, but especially since COVID I’ve found reasons not to see people. This month has reminded me how important it is to follow through with plans and make an effort to spend time with the people in my life. I regret the amount of time I’ve spent in the last year avoiding social outings and missing parties. I need to be better. To do better.
I want my nephews to know who I am. I want to make more memories with my grandparents. I want to spend time with my amazing husband and spend hours hanging out with him. I want to bond with my brother-in-law so he remembers how fucking awesome I am after he eventually moves out. 🙂
I want the people in my life to know how important they are to me before they’re gone. I don’t want to be anti-social and sleeping all the time because my schedule is so wacked out. I need to be better at flipping my schedule on my off days so my mental health improves. I don’t think I’ve had one suicidal/majorly depressive thought in the last month which is fucking impressive for me.
This last month has been a blessing. This is my personal reminder to put forth the effort into my relationships and to remember how lucky I am to have my friends and family. Also to see the fucking sun… low vitamin D levels aren’t a joking matter (thanks mom).
Tomorrow I go back to work… and it will continue to be okay.
-Hal
AO Poetry 
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