Compressed and covered
with an enteric-coated shell.
Altering my mind
to convince me that I'm well.
Branded to fix the low
dopamine and serotonin.
In lieu of my over-indulgence
of caffeine and melatonin.
Tag: Mental
One Hour
In sixty minutes the sharp cascade
of volatile thoughts will cease
and I'll no longer be gagging
on the anger trapped
in the back of my throat.
My illogical rage cannot be challenged
with basic breathing techniques
and mundane meditative counting.
My only remedy is time.
So give me one hour...
Sixty minutes...
3600 fucking seconds...
And then I'll be okay.
Giver
I give too much away. Let it be my time, my money, my affection.... myself... I'm a giver. I give the people I love everything I can. However, for me it's more than just being humble or extremely caring... I literally have no reservations or restrictions... with anything. Which isn't great. Even after everything in my past relationships, part of me still somehow thinks that if I give someone everything they could ever want they will never abandon me. But shit... no amount of presents, money, or baked goods will keep someone close to me. It's not like I simply rely on gifts to keep people around though. The gifts I give are just a way I try to show my love or to care for someone. Besides relentless gift giving, the other problem is that if you are someone I love I will drop everything in my own life to help you or be with you. But then I end up losing myself while trying to prevent being hurt or abandoned. Which I know is not okay. Yet I still continue to lose people regardless of anything I do and I eventually get burnt. Then I'm left regretting everything I gave up trying to make another person happier than I ever try to make myself. Most of the time it's just life. People move on, they grow apart, lifestyles change... but sometimes I know I'm just too much for people. I have a big personality and I know I can be overwhelming at times... But for those few who have stayed with me for all these years... they have it fucking made. I am a great friend and go above and beyond for those in my life. No questions asked. But yes... I do still need to continue working on healthy relationships and boundaries. I need to be able to feel secure in my relationships without feeling like I'm required to give everything to motivate them to stay. I shouldn't subconsciously be feeling like I need to almost pay to keep people around. That's called fear degrading my worth. I'm better than that... and quite frankly I deserve more than that. I'll work on it. *Working on it. -Hal
Exhausted
If I'm being honest with myself, I'm tired. I'm tired of splitting up fights between the thoughts in my mind, and the redundancy of my habits that are anything but fine. I'm tired of living for the days I think are worth waiting, just to see them come and go as fast as I'm fading. I'm tired of the facade that I'm feeling okay, when inside my strength has begun to decay. I'm tired of the cycling through the lies in my head, and the words I have spoken that I wish were never said. But now I've lied once more and said that I'm just tired... When exhausted was the word I should've used when this started.
When
When reflections off the pavement no longer make you smile, and you haven't heard your own laughter echo for awhile... When the thought of any affection makes you want to scream, yet the thought of physical pain makes your eyes begin to gleam... When your fist feels more natural being curled up into a ball, but it somehow feels even better when it makes contact with a wall... When you're no longer sure if happiness is obtainable, and your fake-ass smile is sad and unsustainable... When there's no longer beauty found in every day things, then what's the point of seeing what tomorrow even brings?
Lift Your Foot
Red traffic lights tempt me.
They arouse my intrusive thoughts,
silently urging me to lift my foot.
“Roll forward, let it go, see what happens.”
Yes… oncoming traffic might stop, people might brake, waiting patiently for me to escape their path… But there’s that chance they don’t.
And then I’d experience the shattering windshield, the violent scraping of metal, and the deafening collision that the sick parts of my mind crave…
Yet fear stops me.
But it’s not a fear of my own injury or death. It’s the inevitable pain and problems it would bring to others. It’s honestly the aftermath for the innocent that scares me. The bystanders, the people involved, my family, my friends… everyone else besides me.
Which yes… this thought process is fucked. I’m already aware of this. But this is how my head works… responsibly irresponsible.
I would like to clarify that I’m NOT suicidal. I DO NOT want to die. However, I do occasionally hypothesize ways my mortality could end if I let it.
I’ll wrap this up by stating that my foot is staying securely on the brakes at red lights. Intrusive thoughts are just thoughts… that’s all they are and ever will be.
-Hal
Thorns
Thoughts become embedded into my brain like thorns. They bury their sharp edges deep into the vulnerable seams of my subconscious, silently smirking at their inability to be removed. And they remain there, dormant in wait... Until my mind again begins to stir.
“Happiness”
I don’t know how to exist as “happy”.
I’m realizing that I’m not really having any bad days anymore. Sure I still have bad moments, but the full days of overwhelming sadness and anger have seemingly dissipated. I know this is a good thing because no one should be internally suffering. However, I almost feel like I don’t know how to function without having to fight myself.
Don’t get me wrong though… I like the feeling of mental stability, but I still find myself subconsciously searching for anything to be upset about and I’m not sure why. It’s like my fight-or-flight mode is now panicking with newfound boredom and trying to find anything to stir itself up. Which is fucked I know.
It’s kind of funny though…
I’ve been striving years for this “happiness”. All the meds, therapies, blah blah blah… and now I get here and I’m not sure how to handle it. Now it’s the irony of “how do I manage to survive without exhausting amounts of depression and anxiety?” My head is something else…
Well… here’s to “happiness”. 😏🖤 Cheers.
-Hal
Snake
My anxiety is a snake slowly constricting the conflicted parts of my brain, increasing the tension on my subconscious worries and pains. It invites in my insecurities to intrusively choke me with doubts, but instead of expelling air it's belligerencies escaping from my mouth.
Quiet
When the quiet invites all the bad thoughts in... Screaming sounds better than havingto listen...
AO Poetry 
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