Even if everything you said
in those moments were lies,
please never tell me that
your words were not real.
Let me move on believing that
I was all you had ever wanted.
Tag: Meh
Regret
Regret hangs like a cloud above me. It overtakes me with nausea as it opens up to expel sour and sickening drops of doom into my pores. It racks my body with waves of heat, forceful and deafening, as it clings and holds and follows... Only parting from me the moment I'm brave enough to face it.
Agony
My agony feels like a red-hot and ragged blade stabbing into my sternum. It twists and digs its' way deeper into the pit of my stomach as my breaths become sharp and uneven. My lungs struggle, burning with each painful gasp. Making me fight for the air I don't even want to breathe...
Thirty
I didn't think it would happen so soon, I swear I was just still using a Zune. I look back and see all the trauma and flaws, But also the triumphs that deserve an applause. There's memories I love and some that I hate, Yet all of them now I know were my fate. The years have gone fast but still seemingly slow, To end that rough chapter I needed to outgrow. So now here I am the day is arriving, To be thirty, still flirty, and continually thriving.
Precipice
The ledge I walk is a thin precipice, Of mental regressions and pure recklessness. One misstep and I fall into the direction, Of extreme mania or a sinking depression.
Changes
I know changes are inevitable, but to me they’re a death sentence.
If I haven’t already stated this to you all… I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it involves issues revolving around abandonment. So when I know changes in my life will happen, I experience an overwhelming amount of dread and anxiety… especially when losing someone is a possibility.
To me the idea of losing someone feels like my entire world is being wiped away. I feel like I don’t know how to function knowing they’ll be gone and that there’s no point in living without them in my life. It’s basically like an appendage has been forcibly removed from me and I’ve been told to just move on… like a metaphorical amputation. 😉
Now I’ve done the homework, the therapy, all the bullshit… and no matter what I tell myself… I struggle. I fucking struggle over and over and over… And now I’m here. Struggling once more.
I know (I fucking know) I need to worry less about being abandoned and focus more on trusting people to stay in my life… but pushing past the intrusive thoughts is seemingly impossible.
I guess what I really need to figure out is how to trust people to stay with me… Even though I feel underserved of that privilege…
I’ll take whatever advice/wisdom you all offer.
-Hal
Inevitable
The feelings are inevitable coming quickly and without cause, destroying my self-worth while focusing on my flaws. The emptiness remains as they sabotage and consume, disintegrating my happiness so my despair can be exhumed.
Chemicals
It's just a powder... White Pressed and covered in an enteric-coated shell... Altering my mind to chemically convince me that I'm well. Branded to fix all the dopamine and serotonin... In lieu of my over-indulgence of caffeine and melatonin. Side effects may include suicidal thoughts and/or actions... Yet misery also holds a certain level of attraction.
Where To Begin…
My emotions are erratic and hard to understand... And my head overflows with ideas and unfulfilled plans. My perceptions are complicated and haphazardly skewed... With a reality warped and questionably construed. My memories are my past but somehow still in my present... And honestly in the morning I'm just fucking unpleasant. My mentality is borderline of being clinically insane... But truthfully my flaws make me never want to change.
1/4 Life Crisis
So… I haven’t just written and vented for awhile.
Lately it’s been hitting me more and more that I need to make a decision with my life.
The decision being “kids”.
I keep questioning my purpose in the world. Am I really meant to procreate?
Or is being childless best for my mental and physical health?
Basically I’m having a fucking quarter-life crisis on the daily at this point and I’m terrified.
One part of me loves this independent, free, and mildly careless life. I mean shit… I’m free to travel, work, and enjoy life without any real commitments (And I kind of like that.)
Another part of me is craving some sort of purpose… some sort of mark to be left on this planet… a reason to be alive…
I guess right now I’m just hopeful that time/fate decides it for me (Because I apparently can’t decide 100% either way and it pisses me off).
If anyone gets to this point of the post… thank you for being here to read my thoughts. 🙂
AO Poetry 
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