I have tried to imagine all of the moments that I could bump into you.
As if I could compel corny, casual encounters that are made explicitly for the cinema into existence.
Maybe it's during a late night trip for cereal at the grocery store, an early morning stop at the gas station, or a mid-afternoon pill pick up at the pharmacy.
Maybe we reach for the same box, we arrive at the same time, or we stumble into the same softly lit aisle.
But maybe within each scenario something inevitably goes wrong.
All the shelves in the cereal aisle are completely empty, every fuel pump is forlornly flagged as out of service, and somehow I completely forgot to refill my prescription.
I have tried to imagine all of the moments that I could bump into you, but it just never works.
How could my mind ever create a place that will never exist for a person who is no longer there.
Tag: love
Inadequate
Is there ever truly a word for what we're feeling?
How does 'sad' equate to any amount of hopelessness in my heart? Or the 'anger' within me that feels nothing short of rage? Emotions aren't finite, they change without terms.
They collide and collapse into endless waves of one another in such a way that can never precisely be described.
The adequacy of words for emotions will always fall short...
For not everything is meant to be completely understood.
Found
There are thousands of variations to each situation I've placed myself within.
Each moment I've experienced could have been changed and every encounter slightly altered. Yet, I do believe that each and every outcome would have inevitably led me to you.
Somehow I still would have found you.
The Hedge
It's getting harder to notice where you hit the hedge with your car.
It took a few years, but it's branches are beginning to burst and bloom.
It's sharp pine needles finally flourishing and filling in the gaps that your hood had left.
Now even the scarred foliage seems to be smirking at what you did.
It's triumph much more than just another act of nature.
Friendships…
So… I have always put in way too much of an effort to keep a dead or fading relationship going. Over the years I’ve had quite a few friendships become one sided (where I slowly become the only one making any effort to make plans or communicate). Up until about a year ago I would do anything to keep someone in my life, but now I feel the complete opposite.
I’m at the point in my life that when I notice a relationship start to become dependent on me keeping it alive… I’m just over it. I refuse to beg to be a part of someone’s life or future (no matter the amount of great memories we’ve shared in the past). I get that people and situations change (I’m not ignorant), but if I’ve ever meant as much to someone as they’ve told me I do, I wouldn’t be the only one repeatedly trying to salvage friendships (especially friendships that have no apparent reason to be preserved besides my own personal nostalgias). My self worth and time is simply more important than that.
History is called history for a reason right?
I definitely have made my own mistakes in friendships and I am nowhere near a perfect friend, but I do deserve relationships that have an equal amount of effort being put into it. So if someone doesn’t want to put in any effort or is putting in the most minimal effort… I’m peacing. I have one life and I’m not wasting it trying to keep others around.
If I could give anyone reading this advice… Do not waste your precious time keeping relationships alive if you’re the only one trying. Just fucking leave. (Gracefully though, don’t be an asshole about it).
We all deserve to be in that Myspace top ten. 🫡
-Hal
Btw… I fucking hate Valentine’s Day. Every day we should be telling people we love them.
Happy Valentine’s Day though 😊🖤
Feast
Desire is callous and fleeting. For a period in time, a moment, you are craved. Passionately you are fed upon with hungry eyes and heavy hands. Ravenously loved, but only by selfishness, lust, and gluttony. Yet you lie grateful for the feast, for you too are starving.
Goodbyes
The unwanted goodbyes leave only emptiness. They leave plans half-full, memories half-empty, and force us into a bitter, half-assed form of acceptance. They leave us feeling numb and stagnant in our sorrow... As we realize what could have existed, but never will.
In-Between
What happens when you’ve found yourself stuck in some kind of limbo of satisfaction with who you are?
I’ve repeatedly found myself torn between completely loving or hating myself. There is rarely an in-between for me. There are moments when I’m so proud of the work I’ve done, where I’ve gotten, and who I’ve become. In those moments I truly and wholeheartedly love myself… But those feelings don’t tend to last very long.
It’s like my brain flips a depression switch and I’m back to hating myself. I feel like I’m not enough, I’m not worth it, I shouldn’t be here, my existence is pointless… Blah blah blah. I’m left feeling 102% unsatisfied and disappointed in where I still am and who I think i should be. Touché to mental sabotage…
I just don’t know what to do to fix this anymore. The only thing I feel like I can do at this point is let it happen, ride it out, and hope the self-love lasts longer than the hate.
Time heals… I get that. Personal effort and growth is key… Yeah sure. But will time and effort really be able to invoke complete love for myself? Or do all of us just learn to tolerate and cope with ourselves enough to survive?
Love Letters
I wanted the love letters carved not delicately etched, so they would remain permanent as scars in my flesh. I needed the words engraved without pause or restraint, by fervent hands yearning for where my skin lay in wait.
Self Love
We both looked to each other for the love we weren't giving ourselves.
AO Poetry 
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