Give me a diagnosis Of why I'm so hollow. Please... Give me the instructions I promise I'll follow.
Tag: fucked
Just Me
There was just me. Then there was you too. Sitting in white rockers. Up high on a dark, chilly balcony. Watching, gazing, thinking... Overlooking the night of Sunset Beach. Staring up under Orion's Belt. Lights shining through pinholes. Set deep into the ink black sky. Imaging, dreaming, growing... Watching the waves in front of us. Listening to their thunderous sounds. We're smoking cigarettes. Breathing in more than the salty air. Talking, laughing, crying... It was just us and our thoughts. Our words that broke through the ocean air. Thoughts that came to light. Feelings that were shared. Loving, believing, living... Now they are only memories. Almost like they were never really there. A blank space with nothing left to see. Because now it's only you. And now it's just me.
With You
When I'm with you, I memorize every angle of your face, I breathe in as much of you as I can, I notice your every movements, I record your voice and laugh in my head. So when I'm away, I can remember every minuscule detail, Of every single moment, From when I was with you.
Drinking Buddies
What makes me do the stupid fucking things I do?
I keep making poor decisions… and then carefully walking on eggshells praying they don’t come back to bite me in the ass. I feel like I’m doing these things to punish myself. Which is pushing myself farther into depression.
I have become somewhat of a professional fuck-up over this last year. I keep telling myself… “Dude… you won’t fucking do this shit again… you learned a valuable life lesson today bitch”. I mean… fuck… I’m 26 and still haven’t seemed to learn anything from my mistakes.
Yup.
Bullshit. Here I am, once again, mentally spiraling into a rabbit hole. Drinking vodka, building a model ship, and watching corny romance movies with my damn cats. BTW… “Drinking Buddies” (with the hottie Jake Johnson from New Girls) is really fucking good.
So, now I need to end the year off on the right foot and fix another mistake. I’ve got umm…. holy balls… only 19 more days to make this fuck-up better.
Well fuck. Here’s to hoping I learned an actual lesson today and that I can fix what I regret! Cheers!
Wounds
Everyone has a story to tell.
Everyday as a nurse, I care for someone who has a story to tell. It could be a juicy romance, a historical non-fiction, or a very fucking dark tragedy. However, in every story I hear… there is a wound, a heartbreak, or a trauma.
I’ve met people who have lost limbs in wars, families who have lost children, and those so sick they have given only days to live… and they all have a story to tell based on their own personal tragedy. And even though they may be telling me the damn worst imaginable story (that make me cry in the bathroom afterwards)… majority of the time they are at fucking peace and have accepted their pasts.
I am coming to realize that everything that makes us who we are… are our dark pasts and wounds. Every scar tells a story. Every trauma that we face molds us into the person that we are. It is up to us, me and whoever you are reading this, to make the best out of the traumas we are dealt. We need to be able to grow, learn, and accept our past wounds to become better people. i mean… fuck… the shit that each of us has gone through or is going through is terrible. But…
We only have one life. ONE FUCKING LIFE. So don’t ignore your fucky past, accept it. Make the best out of every fucking day. Live without regrets. Create amazing memories. Love others and yourself.
Honor the fucking traumas that molded your story.
Sting
Words that sting…
“At least you have a pretty face”.
Soulmates
Are we truly born to meet one person to share our life with?
Switching it up tonight by talking about something not completely depressing and fucked up. Tonight I’m here thinking…
Maybe in this world we have more than one person we are supposed to connect deeply with. Maybe it’s a past life thing, like two people have known each other before in a previous life. Maybe this is just how the spirit works. Everyone out there has met someone, felt a deep connection, and thought, “I feel like I’ve known them for fucking forever”. Maybe in life we have many people that we are supposed to find, like magnets being drawn to each other though piles of rubble and trash. These people are our soulmates (not always romantic) that are there to help us grow and learn.
And fuck… I’m finding people to help me learn and grow.
From the Beginning
So, here you are again. Reading my writing and personal thoughts. Now that I somehow turned you onto this… I’ll start from the beginning.
It’s a bit depressing, growing up fat. Well… obese. There. Fucking said it. I had always been the fat kid. Never the first picked for anything. Always the odd one out. Self-conscious and hating every bit of myself. Bullying and my anxiety/depression gave me reasons to eat my feelings. But, you don’t want to hear this sob story and honestly… I don’t necessarily want to explain it. So long story short, by the time I was eighteen I weighed a shit -load (280 lbs of shit).
I remember realizing one day, looking in my mirror, staring at my rolls, that I was much fatter than I thought I was. I was disgusted with what I had become and slowly decided to change my fucked up habits. Eventually, those new less fucked up habits led to the scale dropping. Fast forward a couple years >> 140 lbs of shit lost. Yup. I am literally now half of what I was.
You’re reading this and probably thinking the same bullshit as everyone else. It usually goes like this… “Wow. You’re an inspiration.” OR “I can’t imagine you ever being that big.” OR “You look so beautiful now.” You know what though? I’m sitting here… another night… listening to these crickets outside… thinking to myself… thinking about you reading these words. I want you to know that there’s more than meets the eye.
Yes. I am more confident (even with this loose skin that is a daily reminder of the fucked up position I put my body in). I do get noticed by horny fuckers now. I do get told I’m beautiful by someone on a daily basis. However, I am not perfect. I have secrets. You will learn these secrets. You will be sitting behind you’re computer screen, drinking your coffee, pushing your glasses farther up your nose to find out these secrets. And… I will let you.
AO Poetry 