I see you,
but no longer do I recognize you.
You were a mirage.
A fake haven in a
smouldering wasteland.
Tag: fucked
Rabbit Hole
You followed me down
the rabbit hole.
My selfish hand found yours
and I led you into the darkness.
Quietly...
Recklessly...
Blindly.
I should have known that
I wouldn't be able to guide myself...
Let alone the both of us.
0918
She regretted her silence.
She regretted not putting up a fight.
She regretted blankly staring
into the off-white frame holding
one of the happiest moments of her life...
While he was giving her one of her worst.
One Hour
In sixty minutes the sharp cascade
of volatile thoughts will cease
and I'll no longer be gagging
on the anger trapped
in the back of my throat.
My illogical rage cannot be challenged
with basic breathing techniques
and mundane meditative counting.
My only remedy is time.
So give me one hour...
Sixty minutes...
3600 fucking seconds...
And then I'll be okay.
Pedestal
Once I have put you on a pedestal
you will not come back down gracefully.
I will destroy what I've built you up upon
and you will fall by force.
The foundation that held you up so high
will crumble as I decimate the mortar
with bloody, broken hands.
And you will lay there
dazed and confused...
Surrounded by nothing but dust.
Giver
I give too much away. Let it be my time, my money, my affection.... myself... I'm a giver. I give the people I love everything I can. However, for me it's more than just being humble or extremely caring... I literally have no reservations or restrictions... with anything. Which isn't great. Even after everything in my past relationships, part of me still somehow thinks that if I give someone everything they could ever want they will never abandon me. But shit... no amount of presents, money, or baked goods will keep someone close to me. It's not like I simply rely on gifts to keep people around though. The gifts I give are just a way I try to show my love or to care for someone. Besides relentless gift giving, the other problem is that if you are someone I love I will drop everything in my own life to help you or be with you. But then I end up losing myself while trying to prevent being hurt or abandoned. Which I know is not okay. Yet I still continue to lose people regardless of anything I do and I eventually get burnt. Then I'm left regretting everything I gave up trying to make another person happier than I ever try to make myself. Most of the time it's just life. People move on, they grow apart, lifestyles change... but sometimes I know I'm just too much for people. I have a big personality and I know I can be overwhelming at times... But for those few who have stayed with me for all these years... they have it fucking made. I am a great friend and go above and beyond for those in my life. No questions asked. But yes... I do still need to continue working on healthy relationships and boundaries. I need to be able to feel secure in my relationships without feeling like I'm required to give everything to motivate them to stay. I shouldn't subconsciously be feeling like I need to almost pay to keep people around. That's called fear degrading my worth. I'm better than that... and quite frankly I deserve more than that. I'll work on it. *Working on it. -Hal
Stopped
If we stopped, where would we go from here? Would we be complacent as we watched our lives be stripped down to normalcy? Would we scream inside ourselves as the cravings for more consumed us? Or would we cower... fearful of being led back to where we were always meant to go.
Exhausted
If I'm being honest with myself, I'm tired. I'm tired of splitting up fights between the thoughts in my mind, and the redundancy of my habits that are anything but fine. I'm tired of living for the days I think are worth waiting, just to see them come and go as fast as I'm fading. I'm tired of the facade that I'm feeling okay, when inside my strength has begun to decay. I'm tired of the cycling through the lies in my head, and the words I have spoken that I wish were never said. But now I've lied once more and said that I'm just tired... When exhausted was the word I should've used when this started.
Regret
Regret hangs like a cloud above me. It overtakes me with nausea as it opens up to expel sour and sickening drops of doom into my pores. It racks my body with waves of heat, forceful and deafening, as it clings and holds and follows... Only parting from me the moment I'm brave enough to face it.
Reassurance…
As much as I hate to admit it… my exterior is a kind of a facade.
As a self-proclaimed badass, I have spent years vocalizing that I give no fucks and that if someone doesn’t like me they can leave. Physically I have the tattoos, the piercings, the edgy clothing, the angsty vibe… blah. However, on the inside I’m constantly begging for validation of my worth, value, and desirability.
Throughout my life I have looked to others for constant reassurance which come on… is bullshit. The problem is that I still don’t trust myself and/or lack the self-confidence that I try so hard to show. I mean when I’m manic… the god-complex takes over and I literally give NO fucks… but that only lasts for so long. When I’m not manic, I tend to feel worthless… empty… and lost unless someone is there to give me confirmation that I’m not those things.
But like why? Why am I unable to rely on myself? Why can’t I ignore the horrible thoughts my head tries to convince me?
Maybe it’s because I’m so paranoid that everyone hates me and is trying to leave me that I’m subconsciously convincing myself of the reasons that they should… (the abandonment again…).
Or maybe it’s the thought that if others verbalize my value then they will believe it more too. Thus, preventing them from wanting to leave me while also boosting my shit ego. I know it’s not healthy to rely on others for my happiness, I’m aware of that. I also do know deep, deep inside that I am all the amazing things that I tell myself I’m not. Yet… I still search for validation.
I’ve been trying to fix this self-doubt and hatred for awhile… like literal years. Lately, I’ve even been hiding positivity quotes around so I can find them randomly as a sort of pick me up. So I’m working on it… I really am. These kind of self-reflection posts do help the cause as well. Eventually I’ll figure it out. Maybe I need to go on some kind of bullshit retreat. I don’t know…
Until then I’ll be here, still acting like the badass I know I can be. Thanks for reading again.
-Hal
AO Poetry 
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