In sixty minutes the sharp cascade
of volatile thoughts will cease
and I'll no longer be gagging
on the anger trapped
in the back of my throat.
My illogical rage cannot be challenged
with basic breathing techniques
and mundane meditative counting.
My only remedy is time.
So give me one hour...
Sixty minutes...
3600 fucking seconds...
And then I'll be okay.
Tag: Borderline
Pedestal
Once I have put you on a pedestal
you will not come back down gracefully.
I will destroy what I've built you up upon
and you will fall by force.
The foundation that held you up so high
will crumble as I decimate the mortar
with bloody, broken hands.
And you will lay there
dazed and confused...
Surrounded by nothing but dust.
Giver
I give too much away. Let it be my time, my money, my affection.... myself... I'm a giver. I give the people I love everything I can. However, for me it's more than just being humble or extremely caring... I literally have no reservations or restrictions... with anything. Which isn't great. Even after everything in my past relationships, part of me still somehow thinks that if I give someone everything they could ever want they will never abandon me. But shit... no amount of presents, money, or baked goods will keep someone close to me. It's not like I simply rely on gifts to keep people around though. The gifts I give are just a way I try to show my love or to care for someone. Besides relentless gift giving, the other problem is that if you are someone I love I will drop everything in my own life to help you or be with you. But then I end up losing myself while trying to prevent being hurt or abandoned. Which I know is not okay. Yet I still continue to lose people regardless of anything I do and I eventually get burnt. Then I'm left regretting everything I gave up trying to make another person happier than I ever try to make myself. Most of the time it's just life. People move on, they grow apart, lifestyles change... but sometimes I know I'm just too much for people. I have a big personality and I know I can be overwhelming at times... But for those few who have stayed with me for all these years... they have it fucking made. I am a great friend and go above and beyond for those in my life. No questions asked. But yes... I do still need to continue working on healthy relationships and boundaries. I need to be able to feel secure in my relationships without feeling like I'm required to give everything to motivate them to stay. I shouldn't subconsciously be feeling like I need to almost pay to keep people around. That's called fear degrading my worth. I'm better than that... and quite frankly I deserve more than that. I'll work on it. *Working on it. -Hal
Welp
Welp… I brought my laptop back out again.
I’m not sure what else to do on nights like this. Netflix isn’t helping, music is making it worse, and somehow food isn’t even appealing. Thus… I sit here typing in my kitchen while making sure my cats don’t steal my food cooling on the counter. Although my back is turned so…
Anyways… well I still have Borderline Personality. Surprise. How’s it been going you ask?
Not that great.
Over the last month I’ve been slowly drowning in a metaphorical pool of mental health bullshit. I’m not even sure what triggered it this time which is the worst part because I can’t fix an unknown problem. I mean I did have a good friend of mine pass away a month ago, but I feel like I’m at peace with it. My grandma isn’t doing the world’s greatest right now either, but there’s no immediate concern. I’m probably the healthiest I’ve ever been. I have great friends. Nothing crazy has happened at work… yet here I am… nauseated and tearing up every five minutes with this intense feeling of impending doom. It feels like something awful is about to happen… but I have no idea what…. so I begin questioning my entire reality and replaying every single thing I’ve done wrong in the past decade. I feel extremely paranoid and restless and my head is so loud that it’s getting to the point where I can’t sleep (so now I understand why people with insomnia are usually grump asses). Also… don’t suggest that I take melatonin… I’m now immune. The only thing allowing me to rest and relax is marijuana and Tiktok. Seriously… I know. I know…
I assume I need a medication change because well hey… my head’s fucked up and sometimes I just need an adjustment. The issue with that is I can’t see a provider until the end of August and let me tell ya… four weeks is a long fucking time for someone that’s walking on the edge of collapse.
I don’t need a psychiatrist. I don’t need to talk about my feelings. I have the workbooks, the techniques, the breathing… blah blah blah. And so help me God… if I have to repeat my entire life story to someone ever again… I will metaphorically jump off a metaphorical tall building without a parachute (metaphorically). I have a chemical imbalance in my head that no amount of redundant therapies can fix. #BPD
On a positive note, I’m too self aware for my BPD to destroy me and I have the best fucking support system that I could ever ask for. Honestly, my friends, family, and this WP community has done more for me than any amount of therapy or books ever has. I just have to wait patiently, not push everyone away, and take care of myself until I have my appointment.
So don’t’ worry… I’ll be okay. I’m always okay.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. 🙂
-Hal
Self-Sabotage
Oh the irony of self-sabotage…
So as we know I’m borderline. Borderline with a hint of abandonment issues.
Tonight I’m overthinking (as I do) about how much I dread the idea of being abandoned, yet I’ve consistently tested people to see if they will leave me. Like a never-ending game of “let’s see how much they truly care”.
Over the years, I have found myself repeatedly pushing the most important people in my life to their breaking point with me. Then if (or when) they do leave me, I somehow am still able to feel shocked by it.
I can’t recall how many times I’ve screamed “leave me the fuck alone” to someone I deeply care about while internally pleading and begging them to stay. I’m not sure if I do this to try to prove to myself that I’m unlovable and that they don’t truly care about me or if I do this to protect myself from being vulnerable/hurt. Because let’s face it… how can you be hurt by someone if you’re the one doing all the hurting?
I can be so loving and selfless, yet I can be mean…. cruel even when I try to push someone away. I’m not a mean person, I know that, but I have said awful things to get a reaction from someone. Looking back, it’s like I was taunting people to prove to me that I was unworthy, even though I was doing it to myself. Like I wanted them to prove to me that they could hate me almost as much as I hated myself.
The more I study and learn about being borderline, the more I realize that my biggest problem has not been the fear of abandonment… it’s been self-sabotage.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt completely deserving of love and I’m not sure if I ever will. I think that the parts of myself that are filled with self-hatred just try to abolish any happiness that enters my life. Thus… causing me to push away those who do try to show me love. It’s fucked. I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m slowly figuring out how to win this game with myself. But it’s fucked.
That’s really all I have in me tonight. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.
-Hal
Lift Your Foot
Red traffic lights tempt me.
They arouse my intrusive thoughts,
silently urging me to lift my foot.
“Roll forward, let it go, see what happens.”
Yes… oncoming traffic might stop, people might brake, waiting patiently for me to escape their path… But there’s that chance they don’t.
And then I’d experience the shattering windshield, the violent scraping of metal, and the deafening collision that the sick parts of my mind crave…
Yet fear stops me.
But it’s not a fear of my own injury or death. It’s the inevitable pain and problems it would bring to others. It’s honestly the aftermath for the innocent that scares me. The bystanders, the people involved, my family, my friends… everyone else besides me.
Which yes… this thought process is fucked. I’m already aware of this. But this is how my head works… responsibly irresponsible.
I would like to clarify that I’m NOT suicidal. I DO NOT want to die. However, I do occasionally hypothesize ways my mortality could end if I let it.
I’ll wrap this up by stating that my foot is staying securely on the brakes at red lights. Intrusive thoughts are just thoughts… that’s all they are and ever will be.
-Hal
Precipice
The ledge I walk is a thin precipice, Of mental regressions and pure recklessness. One misstep and I fall into the direction, Of extreme mania or a sinking depression.
In-Between
What happens when you’ve found yourself stuck in some kind of limbo of satisfaction with who you are?
I’ve repeatedly found myself torn between completely loving or hating myself. There is rarely an in-between for me. There are moments when I’m so proud of the work I’ve done, where I’ve gotten, and who I’ve become. In those moments I truly and wholeheartedly love myself… But those feelings don’t tend to last very long.
It’s like my brain flips a depression switch and I’m back to hating myself. I feel like I’m not enough, I’m not worth it, I shouldn’t be here, my existence is pointless… Blah blah blah. I’m left feeling 102% unsatisfied and disappointed in where I still am and who I think i should be. Touché to mental sabotage…
I just don’t know what to do to fix this anymore. The only thing I feel like I can do at this point is let it happen, ride it out, and hope the self-love lasts longer than the hate.
Time heals… I get that. Personal effort and growth is key… Yeah sure. But will time and effort really be able to invoke complete love for myself? Or do all of us just learn to tolerate and cope with ourselves enough to survive?
AO Poetry 