I dread those brief seconds of unawareness and uncertainty upon waking up.
My eyelids barely open and my brain immediately panics as it begins to recalibrate itself with a barrage of questions.
What time is it? What day is it?
Am I supposed to be somewhere today? Did I miss something?
I recollect my surroundings, orientating myself back to reality as the window shades shift shadows across my room's smooth walls.
My consciousness resumes.
My body relaxes.
It's noon on a Thursday.
I have no where to be and I have missed nothing.
Tag: anxiety
RX
Compressed and covered
with an enteric-coated shell.
Altering my mind
to convince me that I'm well.
Branded to fix the low
dopamine and serotonin.
In lieu of my over-indulgence
of caffeine and melatonin.
Deteriorating
Silken strands cling to my fingers
each time I touch my hair.
Evidence of my stress has begun
to reveal itself as fine blonde filaments
fall from their follicles.
My anxiety now deteriorating
more than just the inside of my head.
Wasting Water
Tonight the anxiety has come without cause. My head is loud, I can’t focus, I’m nauseated and nervous for no real reason. At least not one I can pinpoint.
I probably should eat, turn on something with sound, do anything besides ruminate on the million miniscule issues I’ve created in my head.
I need to relax, but I’m like the least relaxed person that I know… My head is just too active I think. I can imagine that when I’m like this the synapses in my brain are just firing off at an unfathomable speed. It’s literally everything and nothing running though my mind all at the same time.
I’m breathing. Typing. Fan is fucking whirling. The sink is on for white noise. But now I’m just wasting water. Water is precious. Isn’t California in a drought? Someones got to be in a drought. I’m a fucking asshole. I should turn off the damn water…
There’s a prime example of my intrusive, rambling thoughts.
Endless. Pointless. Basically stupid.
Should I keep this in my drafts? Probably. But why do I care? I don’t. So post it. Read it tomorrow. Get a laugh out of it. Maybe someone will giggle. Shit… I’ll at least enjoy it tomorrow when my head has mellowed.
I do feel better now. My odd narratives usually make me quite happy. I’m going to eat now. 🙂
-Hal
Reality Check
I think I started losing myself again in June…
One of the biggest issues with having BPD revolves around change. And honestly, this includes ANY kind of change, but for me it tends to revolve around routines. I think that for the most part people without mental health issues view changes in their routines as seemingly insignificant, tolerable, maybe slightly inconvenient… However, my mind fucking spirals when my habits and patterns become skewed.
In spring a close friend of mine moved away, not far, but far enough that meeting up wasn’t as easy. Yes, some of my daily routines, past times, and work life changed, but I was doing okay. I did worry that communication was going to change as well, but it really didn’t too much and I’ve been adapting to the best of my ability. Around that time I also lost my doctor to retirement (like good for her, but bad for me) who I trusted. If you have mental health issues, you understand how fucked it can be trying to find a provider that you trust and doesn’t make you feel like you just need more sunlight or whatever. But then in the end of June I lost a friend to well… the afterlife. She was 99 and on hospice though so I mean it wasn’t unexpected. I was lucky enough to be able to say goodbye and I truly felt at peace about it (And think I still am). Yet… these are all events are changes, some bigger than others, but changes nonetheless. So since spring I have been hyper-focused on death, changes, and losing the people around me to the point that I’ve begun to lose myself.
So now, I can see that I have apparently spiraled once more due to my inability to tolerate changes. The equation for the spiral begins with change, which leads to overwhelming anxiety, which then leads to non-suicidal depression, which then leads to self-hate, which inevitably leads to a series of self-sabotage techniques (which I have perfected). And here I am. Again.
I had a reality check this weekend and realized how much I have begun to self-sabotage myself again. I’m doing things that “normal” people would probably be moderately concerned about and that I should’ve been able to recognize as unhealthy. Most are small things… just things to boost my serotonin levels even for a bit… but all these little things have added up into piles of bullshit. Bad habits, negative thought processes, irrationality, sadness, paranoia, insomnia, self-harm, etc. But the WORST PART is that I’m looking to others to make myself feel better and distract me which is never okay. It’s just not fair to myself or others.
I KNOW how to make myself happy and actually deal with issues in a healthy way. I KNOW how to make my mindset better and what I should be doing. I KNOW I need a medication adjustment too (in process) because you can’t fix chemical imbalances with mediation and hobbies… sorry but you just fucking can’t. I KNOW what to do, but it’s like I’m completely ignorant and unaware of how bad things are until they get to this point. I keep thinking I’m completely self-aware of issues, but honestly unless someone really brings it to my attention, I’m only like half self-aware. Which isn’t super.
So yeah… here I sit… bitch-slapped by reality. Which honestly is okay. I’ve been through WAY WAY worse, but this still isn’t great. However, I do think that between this realization, some positive changes, reaching out for help, and a new med I’ll be doing okay again. Possibly even great. Who really knows… But at least I’m 100% aware now.
That’s it. That’s all I got.
Thanks for reading my thoughts.
-Hal
“Happiness”
I don’t know how to exist as “happy”.
I’m realizing that I’m not really having any bad days anymore. Sure I still have bad moments, but the full days of overwhelming sadness and anger have seemingly dissipated. I know this is a good thing because no one should be internally suffering. However, I almost feel like I don’t know how to function without having to fight myself.
Don’t get me wrong though… I like the feeling of mental stability, but I still find myself subconsciously searching for anything to be upset about and I’m not sure why. It’s like my fight-or-flight mode is now panicking with newfound boredom and trying to find anything to stir itself up. Which is fucked I know.
It’s kind of funny though…
I’ve been striving years for this “happiness”. All the meds, therapies, blah blah blah… and now I get here and I’m not sure how to handle it. Now it’s the irony of “how do I manage to survive without exhausting amounts of depression and anxiety?” My head is something else…
Well… here’s to “happiness”. 😏🖤 Cheers.
-Hal
Loud
My head is loud... It never stops, It never quiets. It only screams, It only riots. It's against serenity, It's against contentment. It wants anxiety, It wants resentment. My head is loud. My mind is angry. My ears are deafened. My eyes stare blankly.
Snake
My anxiety is a snake slowly constricting the conflicted parts of my brain, increasing the tension on my subconscious worries and pains. It invites in my insecurities to intrusively choke me with doubts, but instead of expelling air it's belligerencies escaping from my mouth.
Lunch
The anxiety I can't place penetrates my stomach in uneasy twists... Subsequently churning, knotting, and rioting against my acidified lunch.
Mind Fucked
There it is... The inevitable feeling of constriction and suffocation from nothing more than my own intrusive thoughts... I almost missed it.
AO Poetry 
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