I give too much away. Let it be my time, my money, my affection.... myself... I'm a giver. I give the people I love everything I can. However, for me it's more than just being humble or extremely caring... I literally have no reservations or restrictions... with anything. Which isn't great. Even after everything in my past relationships, part of me still somehow thinks that if I give someone everything they could ever want they will never abandon me. But shit... no amount of presents, money, or baked goods will keep someone close to me. It's not like I simply rely on gifts to keep people around though. The gifts I give are just a way I try to show my love or to care for someone. Besides relentless gift giving, the other problem is that if you are someone I love I will drop everything in my own life to help you or be with you. But then I end up losing myself while trying to prevent being hurt or abandoned. Which I know is not okay. Yet I still continue to lose people regardless of anything I do and I eventually get burnt. Then I'm left regretting everything I gave up trying to make another person happier than I ever try to make myself. Most of the time it's just life. People move on, they grow apart, lifestyles change... but sometimes I know I'm just too much for people. I have a big personality and I know I can be overwhelming at times... But for those few who have stayed with me for all these years... they have it fucking made. I am a great friend and go above and beyond for those in my life. No questions asked. But yes... I do still need to continue working on healthy relationships and boundaries. I need to be able to feel secure in my relationships without feeling like I'm required to give everything to motivate them to stay. I shouldn't subconsciously be feeling like I need to almost pay to keep people around. That's called fear degrading my worth. I'm better than that... and quite frankly I deserve more than that. I'll work on it. *Working on it. -Hal
Tag: Abandonment
Reassurance…
As much as I hate to admit it… my exterior is a kind of a facade.
As a self-proclaimed badass, I have spent years vocalizing that I give no fucks and that if someone doesn’t like me they can leave. Physically I have the tattoos, the piercings, the edgy clothing, the angsty vibe… blah. However, on the inside I’m constantly begging for validation of my worth, value, and desirability.
Throughout my life I have looked to others for constant reassurance which come on… is bullshit. The problem is that I still don’t trust myself and/or lack the self-confidence that I try so hard to show. I mean when I’m manic… the god-complex takes over and I literally give NO fucks… but that only lasts for so long. When I’m not manic, I tend to feel worthless… empty… and lost unless someone is there to give me confirmation that I’m not those things.
But like why? Why am I unable to rely on myself? Why can’t I ignore the horrible thoughts my head tries to convince me?
Maybe it’s because I’m so paranoid that everyone hates me and is trying to leave me that I’m subconsciously convincing myself of the reasons that they should… (the abandonment again…).
Or maybe it’s the thought that if others verbalize my value then they will believe it more too. Thus, preventing them from wanting to leave me while also boosting my shit ego. I know it’s not healthy to rely on others for my happiness, I’m aware of that. I also do know deep, deep inside that I am all the amazing things that I tell myself I’m not. Yet… I still search for validation.
I’ve been trying to fix this self-doubt and hatred for awhile… like literal years. Lately, I’ve even been hiding positivity quotes around so I can find them randomly as a sort of pick me up. So I’m working on it… I really am. These kind of self-reflection posts do help the cause as well. Eventually I’ll figure it out. Maybe I need to go on some kind of bullshit retreat. I don’t know…
Until then I’ll be here, still acting like the badass I know I can be. Thanks for reading again.
-Hal
Monophobia
Her paranoid mind cruelly twists facts into deranged delusions, irrationality and self-doubt filling up the unused spaces in her pathetic head. Her thoughts churn, anxiety bringing up the bile that belongs in her stomach as fear convinces her that loneliness is sure to come. She will be abandoned, forgotten, and left in the darkness. So she tries to keep them close. Yet her ill-fated attempts only stifle, smother, and suffocate the people she loves most. Her affection too harsh and overwhelming for them to bear.
Changes
I know changes are inevitable, but to me they’re a death sentence.
If I haven’t already stated this to you all… I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it involves issues revolving around abandonment. So when I know changes in my life will happen, I experience an overwhelming amount of dread and anxiety… especially when losing someone is a possibility.
To me the idea of losing someone feels like my entire world is being wiped away. I feel like I don’t know how to function knowing they’ll be gone and that there’s no point in living without them in my life. It’s basically like an appendage has been forcibly removed from me and I’ve been told to just move on… like a metaphorical amputation. 😉
Now I’ve done the homework, the therapy, all the bullshit… and no matter what I tell myself… I struggle. I fucking struggle over and over and over… And now I’m here. Struggling once more.
I know (I fucking know) I need to worry less about being abandoned and focus more on trusting people to stay in my life… but pushing past the intrusive thoughts is seemingly impossible.
I guess what I really need to figure out is how to trust people to stay with me… Even though I feel underserved of that privilege…
I’ll take whatever advice/wisdom you all offer.
-Hal
AO Poetry 