Red traffic lights tempt me.
They arouse my intrusive thoughts,
silently urging me to lift my foot.
“Roll forward, let it go, see what happens.”
Yes… oncoming traffic might stop, people might brake, waiting patiently for me to escape their path… But there’s that chance they don’t.
And then I’d experience the shattering windshield, the violent scraping of metal, and the deafening collision that the sick parts of my mind crave…
Yet fear stops me.
But it’s not a fear of my own injury or death. It’s the inevitable pain and problems it would bring to others. It’s honestly the aftermath for the innocent that scares me. The bystanders, the people involved, my family, my friends… everyone else besides me.
Which yes… this thought process is fucked. I’m already aware of this. But this is how my head works… responsibly irresponsible.
I would like to clarify that I’m NOT suicidal. I DO NOT want to die. However, I do occasionally hypothesize ways my mortality could end if I let it.
I’ll wrap this up by stating that my foot is staying securely on the brakes at red lights. Intrusive thoughts are just thoughts… that’s all they are and ever will be.
-Hal
Category: My Thoughts
“Happiness”
I don’t know how to exist as “happy”.
I’m realizing that I’m not really having any bad days anymore. Sure I still have bad moments, but the full days of overwhelming sadness and anger have seemingly dissipated. I know this is a good thing because no one should be internally suffering. However, I almost feel like I don’t know how to function without having to fight myself.
Don’t get me wrong though… I like the feeling of mental stability, but I still find myself subconsciously searching for anything to be upset about and I’m not sure why. It’s like my fight-or-flight mode is now panicking with newfound boredom and trying to find anything to stir itself up. Which is fucked I know.
It’s kind of funny though…
I’ve been striving years for this “happiness”. All the meds, therapies, blah blah blah… and now I get here and I’m not sure how to handle it. Now it’s the irony of “how do I manage to survive without exhausting amounts of depression and anxiety?” My head is something else…
Well… here’s to “happiness”. 😏🖤 Cheers.
-Hal
Changes
I know changes are inevitable, but to me they’re a death sentence.
If I haven’t already stated this to you all… I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it involves issues revolving around abandonment. So when I know changes in my life will happen, I experience an overwhelming amount of dread and anxiety… especially when losing someone is a possibility.
To me the idea of losing someone feels like my entire world is being wiped away. I feel like I don’t know how to function knowing they’ll be gone and that there’s no point in living without them in my life. It’s basically like an appendage has been forcibly removed from me and I’ve been told to just move on… like a metaphorical amputation. 😉
Now I’ve done the homework, the therapy, all the bullshit… and no matter what I tell myself… I struggle. I fucking struggle over and over and over… And now I’m here. Struggling once more.
I know (I fucking know) I need to worry less about being abandoned and focus more on trusting people to stay in my life… but pushing past the intrusive thoughts is seemingly impossible.
I guess what I really need to figure out is how to trust people to stay with me… Even though I feel underserved of that privilege…
I’ll take whatever advice/wisdom you all offer.
-Hal
In-Between
What happens when you’ve found yourself stuck in some kind of limbo of satisfaction with who you are?
I’ve repeatedly found myself torn between completely loving or hating myself. There is rarely an in-between for me. There are moments when I’m so proud of the work I’ve done, where I’ve gotten, and who I’ve become. In those moments I truly and wholeheartedly love myself… But those feelings don’t tend to last very long.
It’s like my brain flips a depression switch and I’m back to hating myself. I feel like I’m not enough, I’m not worth it, I shouldn’t be here, my existence is pointless… Blah blah blah. I’m left feeling 102% unsatisfied and disappointed in where I still am and who I think i should be. Touché to mental sabotage…
I just don’t know what to do to fix this anymore. The only thing I feel like I can do at this point is let it happen, ride it out, and hope the self-love lasts longer than the hate.
Time heals… I get that. Personal effort and growth is key… Yeah sure. But will time and effort really be able to invoke complete love for myself? Or do all of us just learn to tolerate and cope with ourselves enough to survive?
Existential
Sometimes I feel like I’m just not supposed to be here.
I’ll be honest, I’m not entirely sure if my idea of ‘here’ means this lifetime, world, or body… but at times I just feel so disconnected from my own reality. I can’t seem to figure out exactly who I am or where I want to be, but somehow know that my life is screaming mediocracy.
Part of me believes that I could be living some exceptional life if I was anywhere else. Like if I had just played my cards right… if I had followed my dreams… maybe I could have been extraordinary. It’s like I’ve personally somehow robbed myself of having a more desirable, purposeful identity. I mean don’t get me wrong… I’m grateful for everything I have in my life… but the part of me having an existential crisis right now is also pissed that it all feels so meaningless. I sit here alive and thriving, yet still considering myself a pile of confused nothingness. Meh.
So… yeah… that about wraps up my rant about my existence possibly being a mistake. Thanks for taking the time to read my dissociative thoughts. 🖤
-Hal
Life
Some nights I like to have deep, thought provoking conversations with myself. I tend to do this while in the shower until the water runs cold (this gives me approximately twenty minutes to figure my shit out).
So anyways, tonight I was thinking, “What is the point? What in the fuck is the point of life?”. Because with all do respect, unless we do something completely outstanding, does anything really matter?
I’m assuming that if I died tomorrow, I would be missed for maybe a year and then remembered until those in this lifetime are also gone. Harsh? Yes… but that’s honestly the truth. And that’s the truth for most of us.
Say you don’t have children, your belongings are disposed of or sold off when you die. Everything you worked your whole life for is auctioned off to some weirdo in Kentucky or something. Those knick-knacks and trinkets you worked so hard to collect… either garbage or the newest addition to Good-Will.
And unless you do something exceptional in life, you most likely won’t pass anything viable on to the next generation. I’ll tell you what… those dreams you had of being featured in a middle-school history book definitely won’t be fucking happening. The gold-plated statues and plaques carrying on your accomplishments will just frankly never exist.
I won’t have children, I won’t be featured in any history books, and most likely won’t pass anything viable on to the next generation. So why is life so stressful?
Tonight I think I’ve decided with myself that the end-goal of life is basically pointless. We’re all going out one way or another and eventually the Earth will just shit out and die too. However, I do believe that life is meant for three things: strong relationships, overall happiness, and bad-ass experiences (surviving life is obvious and doesn’t count for this list).
We have one life (unless you believe in reincarnation and that’s a whole other rant). Therefore, I believe we just need to pack in as much bull-shit as we can within the years we have and find some damn good people to share those experiences with. That’s what life is all about.
-Hal
I’m Okay
I haven’t just blasted out my rambling thoughts for awhile, but I have something on my mind…
Recently, I had a conversation with a coworker/friend whom I’ve gotten closer to over this past year. He asked one question and there I went… spewing out five years of personal information that rarely leaves my mouth. I vented and he listened as I spoke about my sexual assault, relationship drama, and quarter-life mental crisis. He ended it with the usual “I’m sorry that happened to you” and facial expression that hints at feelings of pity. However, I realized that I had ended it with something new. I said, “It’s okay…. well not really fucking okay, but I’m happy now”.
I’m happy now…
Sure. I still have my bad moments… days… and mildly disturbing intrusive thoughts… but I can truthfully say I’m okay now. Generally I’m still moody as all shit, but my mental health is manageable, my relationships are healthier, and my confidence is back (most days). I’m actually fucking happy…
So, if you’ve made it this far I just wanted to say thank you. Those in my WordPress community (whenever you have joined along the way) have given me a safe place to vent and share pieces of my life without backlash or criticism. In all seriousness… I don’t really know if I would be here today without this.
Now I will continue on with my moody poetry and amateur photography. 🙌
Thanks again.
– Hal
Purposeful Survival
Sometimes I feel like life
is just some sick joke on all of us.
The purpose of humanity is to do one thing right?
We’re supposed to survive.
Yet here we are…
spending our entire fucking lives trying to do everything and anything
we can to make it to another day…
still knowing that we will eventually die.
But besides just surviving for however long we have…
I feel like everyone has a desire to leave some sort of mark
on this planet.
Maybe it’s children, relationships, ideas, music, art or just something miniscule
the next generation might have a use for or remember… anything at all.
And I don’t know about you,
but I have this deep desire to leave something behind
for this world after I’m gone…
to make my own mark.
I just worry that I won’t have enough time
to figure out what that mark is before I’m gone…
1/4 Life Crisis
So… I haven’t just written and vented for awhile.
Lately it’s been hitting me more and more that I need to make a decision with my life.
The decision being “kids”.
I keep questioning my purpose in the world. Am I really meant to procreate?
Or is being childless best for my mental and physical health?
Basically I’m having a fucking quarter-life crisis on the daily at this point and I’m terrified.
One part of me loves this independent, free, and mildly careless life. I mean shit… I’m free to travel, work, and enjoy life without any real commitments (And I kind of like that.)
Another part of me is craving some sort of purpose… some sort of mark to be left on this planet… a reason to be alive…
I guess right now I’m just hopeful that time/fate decides it for me (Because I apparently can’t decide 100% either way and it pisses me off).
If anyone gets to this point of the post… thank you for being here to read my thoughts. 🙂
2020
This year has been nothing that I could have imagined…
A year filled with bushfires, an awkward election, racism at it’s finest, and an unexpected pandemic. And although all of that has been super fucking great… I am so damn ready for this next year to begin.
Although I wish that the majority of this year hadn’t happened, I can also appreciate what it has done for me. It has shown me what gratitude actually is.
I look back and realize how stupid we all were for taking all those little things in life for granted. Socializing, loved ones, concerts, traveling, celebrations… and just life in fucking general. Personally I think I’ve learned enough life lessons/gratitude in this one year than I ever thought I’d learn in my entire lifetime… but I made it through. (Well almost… there’s still 15.5 hours left and we’ve all learned by now that anything can happen.) HA!
Mild rant over. R.I.P 2020. Let’s all work our asses off to make 2021 a better world for us all?
*Cue confetti and shouts of joy
Happy new year to you all!!!
AO Poetry 
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