Category: My Thoughts

Wasting Water

Tonight the anxiety has come without cause. My head is loud, I can’t focus, I’m nauseated and nervous for no real reason. At least not one I can pinpoint.

I probably should eat, turn on something with sound, do anything besides ruminate on the million miniscule issues I’ve created in my head.

I need to relax, but I’m like the least relaxed person that I know… My head is just too active I think. I can imagine that when I’m like this the synapses in my brain are just firing off at an unfathomable speed. It’s literally everything and nothing running though my mind all at the same time.

I’m breathing. Typing. Fan is fucking whirling. The sink is on for white noise. But now I’m just wasting water. Water is precious. Isn’t California in a drought? Someones got to be in a drought. I’m a fucking asshole. I should turn off the damn water…

There’s a prime example of my intrusive, rambling thoughts.

Endless. Pointless. Basically stupid.

Should I keep this in my drafts? Probably. But why do I care? I don’t. So post it. Read it tomorrow. Get a laugh out of it. Maybe someone will giggle. Shit… I’ll at least enjoy it tomorrow when my head has mellowed.

I do feel better now. My odd narratives usually make me quite happy. I’m going to eat now. 🙂

-Hal

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Personal Reminder

So I’ve been off of work for the last month recovering from a surgery and damn… it’s been a good reset. I usually work nightshift and was able to see the sun daily and actually be productive in my home life. I also was able to visit and spend time with the people in my life that I love dearly.

In all honesty I’ve been pretty shitty with making an effort to see people in person the last year. I apparently have developed some anxiety with breaking my schedule/routines and leaving the house in general. I used to be more social, but especially since COVID I’ve found reasons not to see people. This month has reminded me how important it is to follow through with plans and make an effort to spend time with the people in my life. I regret the amount of time I’ve spent in the last year avoiding social outings and missing parties. I need to be better. To do better.

I want my nephews to know who I am. I want to make more memories with my grandparents. I want to spend time with my amazing husband and spend hours hanging out with him. I want to bond with my brother-in-law so he remembers how fucking awesome I am after he eventually moves out. 🙂
I want the people in my life to know how important they are to me before they’re gone. I don’t want to be anti-social and sleeping all the time because my schedule is so wacked out. I need to be better at flipping my schedule on my off days so my mental health improves. I don’t think I’ve had one suicidal/majorly depressive thought in the last month which is fucking impressive for me.

This last month has been a blessing. This is my personal reminder to put forth the effort into my relationships and to remember how lucky I am to have my friends and family. Also to see the fucking sun… low vitamin D levels aren’t a joking matter (thanks mom).

Tomorrow I go back to work… and it will continue to be okay.

-Hal

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Friendships…

So… I have always put in way too much of an effort to keep a dead or fading relationship going. Over the years I’ve had quite a few friendships become one sided (where I slowly become the only one making any effort to make plans or communicate). Up until about a year ago I would do anything to keep someone in my life, but now I feel the complete opposite.

I’m at the point in my life that when I notice a relationship start to become dependent on me keeping it alive… I’m just over it. I refuse to beg to be a part of someone’s life or future (no matter the amount of great memories we’ve shared in the past). I get that people and situations change (I’m not ignorant), but if I’ve ever meant as much to someone as they’ve told me I do, I wouldn’t be the only one repeatedly trying to salvage friendships (especially friendships that have no apparent reason to be preserved besides my own personal nostalgias). My self worth and time is simply more important than that.

History is called history for a reason right?

I definitely have made my own mistakes in friendships and I am nowhere near a perfect friend, but I do deserve relationships that have an equal amount of effort being put into it. So if someone doesn’t want to put in any effort or is putting in the most minimal effort… I’m peacing. I have one life and I’m not wasting it trying to keep others around.

If I could give anyone reading this advice… Do not waste your precious time keeping relationships alive if you’re the only one trying. Just fucking leave. (Gracefully though, don’t be an asshole about it).

We all deserve to be in that Myspace top ten. 🫡

-Hal

Btw… I fucking hate Valentine’s Day. Every day we should be telling people we love them.

Happy Valentine’s Day though 😊🖤

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2023

Well this has been a year…

These last 360 days have been full of learning experiences and life lessons. I have discovered so much about myself (both good and bad) that will definitely be impacting how I will move forward into this next year. Honestly, it’s been a good one. I’ve got an incredible support system of family and friends in my life and I’ve gotten to do some pretty amazing things.

I do have a few regrets (as most of us probably do), but no painstaking ones. In reality though… I think they were all things that will lead to positive changes in the next year for me. So maybe I don’t actually regret most of them.

I have discovered parts of me that I don’t necessarily enjoy. I think a lot of us have an alter ego or two within us… I found one within some fucked up corner of my soul that I thought made me happy, but ended up being kind of harmful. I basically just discovered more ways to disrespect and exploit myself. I have been known to push the boundaries in my life…. But shit… I kind of went above and beyond a few times. Not the best, healthy version of me. But life lessons and experiences are important… I guess…

I don’t do resolutions at New Year’s… But if I did… I would say that this year I want to love myself wholeheartedly. I want to be able to feel content in my own head (at least most of the time) and trust that I can make myself happy. I just want to prove to myself that I don’t need anyone else’s approval. I still catch myself searching for acceptance and affection from others… when in reality it doesn’t fucking matter.

I’ll work on it I swear.

Anyways… thank you all for sticking with me again this year. I really appreciate the love from the WP community and I am grateful for all the support.

Happy New Year 🙂

-Hal

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Giver

I give too much away. 

Let it be my time, my money, my affection.... myself... I'm a giver. I give the people I love everything I can. However, for me it's more than just being humble or extremely caring... I literally have no reservations or restrictions... with anything. Which isn't great. 

Even after everything in my past relationships, part of me still somehow thinks that if I give someone everything they could ever want they will never abandon me. But shit... no amount of presents, money, or baked goods will keep someone close to me. 
It's not like I simply rely on gifts to keep people around though. The gifts I give are just a way I try to show my love or to care for someone. 
Besides relentless gift giving, the other problem is that if you are someone I love I will drop everything in my own life to help you or be with you. But then I end up losing myself while trying to prevent being hurt or abandoned. Which I know is not okay. 

Yet I still continue to lose people regardless of anything I do and I eventually get burnt. Then I'm left regretting everything I gave up trying to make another person happier than I ever try to make myself. 
Most of the time it's just life. 
People move on, they grow apart, lifestyles change... but sometimes I know I'm just too much for people. I have a big personality and I know I can be overwhelming at times... 
But for those few who have stayed with me for all these years... they have it fucking made. I am a great friend and go above and beyond for those in my life. No questions asked. 

But yes... I do still need to continue working on healthy relationships and boundaries. I need to be able to feel secure in my relationships without feeling like I'm required to give everything to motivate them to stay. I shouldn't subconsciously be feeling like I need to almost pay to keep people around. That's called fear degrading my worth. I'm better than that... and quite frankly I deserve more than that. 

I'll work on it. 
*Working on it. 

-Hal
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Reality Check

I think I started losing myself again in June…

One of the biggest issues with having BPD revolves around change. And honestly, this includes ANY kind of change, but for me it tends to revolve around routines. I think that for the most part people without mental health issues view changes in their routines as seemingly insignificant, tolerable, maybe slightly inconvenient… However, my mind fucking spirals when my habits and patterns become skewed.

In spring a close friend of mine moved away, not far, but far enough that meeting up wasn’t as easy. Yes, some of my daily routines, past times, and work life changed, but I was doing okay. I did worry that communication was going to change as well, but it really didn’t too much and I’ve been adapting to the best of my ability. Around that time I also lost my doctor to retirement (like good for her, but bad for me) who I trusted. If you have mental health issues, you understand how fucked it can be trying to find a provider that you trust and doesn’t make you feel like you just need more sunlight or whatever. But then in the end of June I lost a friend to well… the afterlife. She was 99 and on hospice though so I mean it wasn’t unexpected. I was lucky enough to be able to say goodbye and I truly felt at peace about it (And think I still am). Yet… these are all events are changes, some bigger than others, but changes nonetheless. So since spring I have been hyper-focused on death, changes, and losing the people around me to the point that I’ve begun to lose myself.

So now, I can see that I have apparently spiraled once more due to my inability to tolerate changes. The equation for the spiral begins with change, which leads to overwhelming anxiety, which then leads to non-suicidal depression, which then leads to self-hate, which inevitably leads to a series of self-sabotage techniques (which I have perfected). And here I am. Again.

I had a reality check this weekend and realized how much I have begun to self-sabotage myself again. I’m doing things that “normal” people would probably be moderately concerned about and that I should’ve been able to recognize as unhealthy. Most are small things… just things to boost my serotonin levels even for a bit… but all these little things have added up into piles of bullshit. Bad habits, negative thought processes, irrationality, sadness, paranoia, insomnia, self-harm, etc. But the WORST PART is that I’m looking to others to make myself feel better and distract me which is never okay. It’s just not fair to myself or others.
I KNOW how to make myself happy and actually deal with issues in a healthy way. I KNOW how to make my mindset better and what I should be doing. I KNOW I need a medication adjustment too (in process) because you can’t fix chemical imbalances with mediation and hobbies… sorry but you just fucking can’t. I KNOW what to do, but it’s like I’m completely ignorant and unaware of how bad things are until they get to this point. I keep thinking I’m completely self-aware of issues, but honestly unless someone really brings it to my attention, I’m only like half self-aware. Which isn’t super.

So yeah… here I sit… bitch-slapped by reality. Which honestly is okay. I’ve been through WAY WAY worse, but this still isn’t great. However, I do think that between this realization, some positive changes, reaching out for help, and a new med I’ll be doing okay again. Possibly even great. Who really knows… But at least I’m 100% aware now.

That’s it. That’s all I got.
Thanks for reading my thoughts.

-Hal

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Reassurance…

As much as I hate to admit it… my exterior is a kind of a facade.

As a self-proclaimed badass, I have spent years vocalizing that I give no fucks and that if someone doesn’t like me they can leave. Physically I have the tattoos, the piercings, the edgy clothing, the angsty vibe… blah. However, on the inside I’m constantly begging for validation of my worth, value, and desirability.

Throughout my life I have looked to others for constant reassurance which come on… is bullshit. The problem is that I still don’t trust myself and/or lack the self-confidence that I try so hard to show. I mean when I’m manic… the god-complex takes over and I literally give NO fucks… but that only lasts for so long. When I’m not manic, I tend to feel worthless… empty… and lost unless someone is there to give me confirmation that I’m not those things.

But like why? Why am I unable to rely on myself? Why can’t I ignore the horrible thoughts my head tries to convince me?

Maybe it’s because I’m so paranoid that everyone hates me and is trying to leave me that I’m subconsciously convincing myself of the reasons that they should… (the abandonment again…).
Or maybe it’s the thought that if others verbalize my value then they will believe it more too. Thus, preventing them from wanting to leave me while also boosting my shit ego. I know it’s not healthy to rely on others for my happiness, I’m aware of that. I also do know deep, deep inside that I am all the amazing things that I tell myself I’m not. Yet… I still search for validation.

I’ve been trying to fix this self-doubt and hatred for awhile… like literal years. Lately, I’ve even been hiding positivity quotes around so I can find them randomly as a sort of pick me up. So I’m working on it… I really am. These kind of self-reflection posts do help the cause as well. Eventually I’ll figure it out. Maybe I need to go on some kind of bullshit retreat. I don’t know…

Until then I’ll be here, still acting like the badass I know I can be. Thanks for reading again.

-Hal

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Welp

Welp… I brought my laptop back out again.

I’m not sure what else to do on nights like this. Netflix isn’t helping, music is making it worse, and somehow food isn’t even appealing. Thus… I sit here typing in my kitchen while making sure my cats don’t steal my food cooling on the counter. Although my back is turned so…

Anyways… well I still have Borderline Personality. Surprise. How’s it been going you ask?

Not that great.

Over the last month I’ve been slowly drowning in a metaphorical pool of mental health bullshit. I’m not even sure what triggered it this time which is the worst part because I can’t fix an unknown problem. I mean I did have a good friend of mine pass away a month ago, but I feel like I’m at peace with it. My grandma isn’t doing the world’s greatest right now either, but there’s no immediate concern. I’m probably the healthiest I’ve ever been. I have great friends. Nothing crazy has happened at work… yet here I am… nauseated and tearing up every five minutes with this intense feeling of impending doom. It feels like something awful is about to happen… but I have no idea what…. so I begin questioning my entire reality and replaying every single thing I’ve done wrong in the past decade. I feel extremely paranoid and restless and my head is so loud that it’s getting to the point where I can’t sleep (so now I understand why people with insomnia are usually grump asses). Also… don’t suggest that I take melatonin… I’m now immune. The only thing allowing me to rest and relax is marijuana and Tiktok. Seriously… I know. I know…

I assume I need a medication change because well hey… my head’s fucked up and sometimes I just need an adjustment. The issue with that is I can’t see a provider until the end of August and let me tell ya… four weeks is a long fucking time for someone that’s walking on the edge of collapse.

I don’t need a psychiatrist. I don’t need to talk about my feelings. I have the workbooks, the techniques, the breathing… blah blah blah. And so help me God… if I have to repeat my entire life story to someone ever again… I will metaphorically jump off a metaphorical tall building without a parachute (metaphorically). I have a chemical imbalance in my head that no amount of redundant therapies can fix. #BPD

On a positive note, I’m too self aware for my BPD to destroy me and I have the best fucking support system that I could ever ask for. Honestly, my friends, family, and this WP community has done more for me than any amount of therapy or books ever has. I just have to wait patiently, not push everyone away, and take care of myself until I have my appointment.

So don’t’ worry… I’ll be okay. I’m always okay.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. 🙂

-Hal

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Last Moments

I always wonder what goes on in people’s minds when they are dying… like what could they possibly be dreaming about while they’re waiting to die?

I think we all probably like to think that our minds replay our life like a film reel right before we kick the bucket. Colorful scenes showing us our most unforgettable moments, friends, vacations, parties, first kisses, lovers… etc. Our brains faintly playing the soundtrack to our lives in the background, matching the emotion in our heartfelt memories. We romanticize what we hope waits for us in those last moments before the unknown.

But honestly… our last dreams are probably just the same as our normal dreams. Random and meaningless. And knowing that is kind of a bummer because I don’t want to be having the same idiotic dreams right up until I croak. My dreams are regularly full of so much nonsense and random bullshit that I can’t even follow them. They’re like cough syrup dreams without having to drink any actual cough syrup. I don’t want that. That sounds like an awful way to go.

Anyways, as someone who is frequently exposed to those the dying process, I catch myself wondering what’s happening in their head every time. Yet if it came down to it, I don’t think I’d actually want to know. I’d most likely just be disappointed that instead of reliving the most beautiful and significant times of my life… I’m dreaming about heating up hot pockets or some shit.

Alas… it’s just another one of life’s many lucrative secrets that I’m sure to find the answer to eventually. No rush.

-Hal

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Self-Sabotage

Oh the irony of self-sabotage…

So as we know I’m borderline. Borderline with a hint of abandonment issues.
Tonight I’m overthinking (as I do) about how much I dread the idea of being abandoned, yet I’ve consistently tested people to see if they will leave me. Like a never-ending game of “let’s see how much they truly care”.
Over the years, I have found myself repeatedly pushing the most important people in my life to their breaking point with me. Then if (or when) they do leave me, I somehow am still able to feel shocked by it.
I can’t recall how many times I’ve screamed “leave me the fuck alone” to someone I deeply care about while internally pleading and begging them to stay. I’m not sure if I do this to try to prove to myself that I’m unlovable and that they don’t truly care about me or if I do this to protect myself from being vulnerable/hurt. Because let’s face it… how can you be hurt by someone if you’re the one doing all the hurting?
I can be so loving and selfless, yet I can be mean…. cruel even when I try to push someone away. I’m not a mean person, I know that, but I have said awful things to get a reaction from someone. Looking back, it’s like I was taunting people to prove to me that I was unworthy, even though I was doing it to myself. Like I wanted them to prove to me that they could hate me almost as much as I hated myself.
The more I study and learn about being borderline, the more I realize that my biggest problem has not been the fear of abandonment… it’s been self-sabotage.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt completely deserving of love and I’m not sure if I ever will. I think that the parts of myself that are filled with self-hatred just try to abolish any happiness that enters my life. Thus… causing me to push away those who do try to show me love. It’s fucked. I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m slowly figuring out how to win this game with myself. But it’s fucked.

That’s really all I have in me tonight. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.

-Hal

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