Welp… I brought my laptop back out again.
I’m not sure what else to do on nights like this. Netflix isn’t helping, music is making it worse, and somehow food isn’t even appealing. Thus… I sit here typing in my kitchen while making sure my cats don’t steal my food cooling on the counter. Although my back is turned so…
Anyways… well I still have Borderline Personality. Surprise. How’s it been going you ask?
Not that great.
Over the last month I’ve been slowly drowning in a metaphorical pool of mental health bullshit. I’m not even sure what triggered it this time which is the worst part because I can’t fix an unknown problem. I mean I did have a good friend of mine pass away a month ago, but I feel like I’m at peace with it. My grandma isn’t doing the world’s greatest right now either, but there’s no immediate concern. I’m probably the healthiest I’ve ever been. I have great friends. Nothing crazy has happened at work… yet here I am… nauseated and tearing up every five minutes with this intense feeling of impending doom. It feels like something awful is about to happen… but I have no idea what…. so I begin questioning my entire reality and replaying every single thing I’ve done wrong in the past decade. I feel extremely paranoid and restless and my head is so loud that it’s getting to the point where I can’t sleep (so now I understand why people with insomnia are usually grump asses). Also… don’t suggest that I take melatonin… I’m now immune. The only thing allowing me to rest and relax is marijuana and Tiktok. Seriously… I know. I know…
I assume I need a medication change because well hey… my head’s fucked up and sometimes I just need an adjustment. The issue with that is I can’t see a provider until the end of August and let me tell ya… four weeks is a long fucking time for someone that’s walking on the edge of collapse.
I don’t need a psychiatrist. I don’t need to talk about my feelings. I have the workbooks, the techniques, the breathing… blah blah blah. And so help me God… if I have to repeat my entire life story to someone ever again… I will metaphorically jump off a metaphorical tall building without a parachute (metaphorically). I have a chemical imbalance in my head that no amount of redundant therapies can fix. #BPD
On a positive note, I’m too self aware for my BPD to destroy me and I have the best fucking support system that I could ever ask for. Honestly, my friends, family, and this WP community has done more for me than any amount of therapy or books ever has. I just have to wait patiently, not push everyone away, and take care of myself until I have my appointment.
So don’t’ worry… I’ll be okay. I’m always okay.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. 🙂
-Hal
AO Poetry 
and still you give much, peace love and greetings from oz
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you ☺️ I appreciate you 🙏
LikeLiked by 1 person
WP therapy works on a wide variety of ailments, believe me. Thanks for sharing.
LikeLiked by 3 people
WP truly is the best therapy. Plus it’s free 🙂 Thank you for reading 🙂 I appreciate you.
LikeLike
I have suffered from depression/anxiety all my life. Some actions on my part help…but not all the time. Sometimes I just have to ride it out. I never quite lose hope. And I remember my mother’s words, “This too shall pass.” I hope your world brightens soon.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you 🙂 My mom says the same thing. It always passes eventually, it just sucks waiting for it to happen. I appreciate you 🙂 Have a good day!
LikeLike
The WP community is the best. I just survived a depressive episode, got my meds adjusted, feel more like myself than I have in a while. Sorry you are going through a shitty spot, know we are here for you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes it is 🙂 I’m glad you’re doing better. Medication adjustments make a hell of a difference and I’m happy for you 🙂
Shitty spots just add more character right? Thank you 🖤
LikeLike
Take care my friend 🖤🖤🖤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you friend 🖤
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re always welcome 🖤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hang in there. ❤ I hate how dysfunctional our mental health system is.
LikeLiked by 1 person
No kidding. It’s fucked. You know when you need help and still can’t get it. But thank you 🙂 I appreciate you 🖤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Of course! I appreciate you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you! I appreciate you too!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sending you love. And may we be forgiving to grumpy, anxious, angry, moody people around us, we know it looks like a rollercoaster and it will land safely somehow. Trust the mechanics of it. 🌻💚
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Cassa 🖤 Forgive the grumpy asses 🙂 I appreciate your and hope all is well on your end. ☺️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Keep looking after yourself and doing ok – you’ll make it 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Simon 🖤 I appreciate it
LikeLike