Oh the irony of self-sabotage…
So as we know I’m borderline. Borderline with a hint of abandonment issues.
Tonight I’m overthinking (as I do) about how much I dread the idea of being abandoned, yet I’ve consistently tested people to see if they will leave me. Like a never-ending game of “let’s see how much they truly care”.
Over the years, I have found myself repeatedly pushing the most important people in my life to their breaking point with me. Then if (or when) they do leave me, I somehow am still able to feel shocked by it.
I can’t recall how many times I’ve screamed “leave me the fuck alone” to someone I deeply care about while internally pleading and begging them to stay. I’m not sure if I do this to try to prove to myself that I’m unlovable and that they don’t truly care about me or if I do this to protect myself from being vulnerable/hurt. Because let’s face it… how can you be hurt by someone if you’re the one doing all the hurting?
I can be so loving and selfless, yet I can be mean…. cruel even when I try to push someone away. I’m not a mean person, I know that, but I have said awful things to get a reaction from someone. Looking back, it’s like I was taunting people to prove to me that I was unworthy, even though I was doing it to myself. Like I wanted them to prove to me that they could hate me almost as much as I hated myself.
The more I study and learn about being borderline, the more I realize that my biggest problem has not been the fear of abandonment… it’s been self-sabotage.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt completely deserving of love and I’m not sure if I ever will. I think that the parts of myself that are filled with self-hatred just try to abolish any happiness that enters my life. Thus… causing me to push away those who do try to show me love. It’s fucked. I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m slowly figuring out how to win this game with myself. But it’s fucked.
That’s really all I have in me tonight. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.
-Hal
AO Poetry 